My Mother's Final Gift

a republication

This post has been behind a paywall until now. It’s the last of three linked essays detailing the final breakdown of my relationship with my personality disordered mother, and the expulsion of her from my life.

My hope for readers with abusive parents is that you will recognize in my mother’s letter to me something that you’ve heard from your mother or father, and that you will recognize its insanity and know that it is not you who is crazy.

This is the third and final post of three related essays on the end of my relationship with my abusive mother.

Part I is here. This is my last letter to my mother and her husband when I evicted them from my property.

Part II is here. This was the response of my mother’s abused husband, who decided to threaten me when I tried to rescue him.

---

To summarize for new readers:

1. In 2016 I finally faced the depth of my mother’s derangement, figuring out that she was severely personality disordered.

2. I went into more than $100,000 in debt to buy a second house I could not afford in order to give her a place to live.

3. Within two years my mother had devolved into the same screaming, lying woman I remembered from childhood, and it drove me to drink and a nervous breakdown.

4. When I finally saw through her mask to who she really was, her response was what you see below. As painful and (at the time) deranging as this letter was, it was vital to me. There could be no more denying my mother’s lack of love or care for her children, no more denial of how brutal and wicked she was.

While it hurt me badly to read it the first time, I have taken this letter out from time to time to remind myself that I am not crazy.

I am not a “bad son.”

I did not deserve my mother’s treatment.

I am not crazy. She is.

This letter was my mother’s last gift to me.

---

Note—I have changed the names of certain people referred to in this letter to protect their privacy. I have not changed the names of my mother or her husband. They are Bonnie and Ed. This letter came to me by email at 4:30 a.m. All spelling and mechanical errors are in the original.

---

i wish mother's day wasn't coming. no doubt it will feel every bit as painful as being snubbed on my birthday yet again.

you know...life is too short. i am old enough to see the end of my life coming, to watch people in the family getting older and frailer. i don't see or feel any sensitivity from you two toward me as i get older and i dread the empty days ahead, and the cold exclusion from the two of you grows more hurtful and harder to bear as it goes on. and how mature you are both being, throwing your nasty emotional judgments about my life, my opinions, my entire personality, at me from your safe distance and then refusing to apologize for the whole stupid episode. what is wrong with you? you know NOTHING about how hard MY life is, because of Ed, and because of you now. Josh, you are without honor and your judgment is completely invalid. Do you know one damn thing about what I am dealing with on a daily basis? How dare you? Your assumptions are ridiculous.

Another thing, mister: your wonderful tenants that you had to rent the apartment downstairs to? You should have to be picking up the beer bottles that got tossed in the yard by their guests. You should have been at the receiving end of the dirty looks. And the kids they were already having there all the time BEFORE Julie's daughter unfortunately passed away? William just turned them loose outside and sat inside and drank beer while the darlings trashed the yard, digging up the ground by the door, (after I asked them nicely not to dig). There are rocks everywhere. The toys were all over, never picked up. I watched 2 cases of beer go in that house every week they lived here. They are still cruising by to get their mail at this address EVERY DAY. Social services sends them a LOT of mail, and the law requires them to change their address within ten days of their moveout. And they go through EVERY SINGLE MAIL BOX as if it's their right to do so. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Oh and there is one of their old tires that the damn kids rolled into the field, along with another one by the back door. The stone wall has been shoved out of shape and the blocks of granite have been tossed various places. I have been picking it up. When are they done moving out? They left garbage on the back porch for over a week and the woodchucks got into it, before the last time Julie came to pick stuff up.

You know, I wanted to help, I tried to protect YOUR investment. Oh, and you ought not to let your little friend the property manager tell them what they can or can't do on the property, or they would have being driving down to the back door and parking there, right on top of the septic tank and leach field structure. Which is clearly visible in the middle of that yard, where lots of cars have been even while the place got worked on. There might be a foot or so of dirt covering, but it can't take weight on it, so no one should have been parking there. And the property manager doesn't work for you, you know....she's working for a commission. She doesn't have to live with the consequences of her bumbling. Did you know that I took a real estate course in college. I thought not. And while we are on the topic of real estate, don't forget i worked AS A RENTAL AGENT for more than two years, in a complex with 250+ apartments. I was good at my job, too. And I worked with people at DSS for five years, Josh! I know all the tricks of the trade, on both sides of the desk. How about a little respect? I'm not stupid. I know what I'm talking about, and I also know this market better than Linda does, whether you like it or not.

I never tried to convince ANYONE that you were crazy. I called Linda about you because I was worried, genuinely worried about you. The minute she heard it was me she started yelling at me that I just needed to leave. Hostile as hell. I don't give a damn if she likes me or not, but she has no business putting herself in the middle of our family disagreement. She was nasty and for no reason. And her little email telling me where to move and how fast? HOW UTTERLY WITHOUT ETHICS.

You have it wrong. Period. I am not getting senile and my mental health is no worse than it has ever been, except since you decided to shit all over me. I had no idea who little you like me. I'm so sorry that I got in your way and that somehow me needing some cheering up now and then is more than you can muster. Talk about being self-absorbed. Your characterization of me has apparently been skewed all along. For your information, driving in an unfamiliar city makes a lot of people nervous. I am not the only one. So get off your high horse and stop making shit up in your head. My "cognitive function" is not only normal, it's quite intact. There are some things about me you don't WANT to know, but you should: I have diabetes. It causes mood swings, did you know that? Ask Sam, although I'm sure he'd look down his nose at me just as he did from the very beginning. The very first time I met the man he was rude to me! I couldn't get a complete sentence out of my mouth before he jumped all over me at his house. Somehow I think it's bad manners to yell at a guest in your house at your dinner table. I am stunned, still. How very inappropriate. Did you happen to notice that at the time? Probably not. I doubt that there is anything that you would believe that I could tell you about life, work, or the color of the sky. Also, how smart is it for you to go off all over me via email if your sister and you are so worried about me feeling depressed or suicidal (which I am not). Depression I was born with! Another tip for you: everyone does not think as fast as you do. Oh, and next time you draw a map? Try putting a great big X on the spot where the person is to START from. How can one follow a map unless they know that??? You're an ass, Josh. Talk about narcissistic.

Finally, about Ed apologizing to you for going off on you? He was standing up for me, something no other man ever did for me. Put away your haughtiness, you haven't got a leg to stand on. And Adult Services are for people like ME to get protected from, DUH. What you did constitutes elder abuse, look it up, it's online. Educate yourself a little bit about the things OTHER THAN DEMENTIA that affect older people, instead of putting me down when you don't even know me at all. You know who you think I am, but you are completely callous and insensitive toward me. You don't know me at all. I am 61 years old. Did you realize that my father died before he turned 66? I will never feel safe. I could still get cancer. Until i get past his age at the time of his death, I will be waiting for death to come calling at my door. I already HAVE emphysema, and you better start knowing how that affects a person. It causes pain, wheezing, and a deep fatigue. I don't last at activities as long as i used to, and believe me, Josh, it makes a difference.

For the first time in my life, i get to do the things that I want to to. And because YOU can't cope with uncertainty, instead of feeling secure in my place in my own family and as the oldest person here (and damn it, you DON'T have the amount of experience in some of these things as I do, just get over yourself.), now I have to get out of this house where I was told I didn't have to worry about being homeless ever again. For the record, you have most assuredly NOT been saving me from homelessness for years. Bullshit. And even if that were the case, how about taking the high road. Furthermore, Daughter, you should be honest about how much you have been wishing you could be up here. Tell the truth. It hasn't been just "Mom having a silly wish to all live together". It has been talked about for years between your sister and me, not just me. Daughter, you stood in this house and said multiple times that "that apartment isn't an $850 a month apartment"...and now I am the only one taking the heat. Josh, don't believe everything you hear. Wise up.

Do not put me down again, Joshua. You don't know jack about a lot of things. I moved heaven and earth to keep you kids safe when you were little and growing up, and you had better stop yapping about the speck of dust in my eye when you have a log in your own. You have had the unmitigated gall (yup, I'm using these little excerpts from your original email diatribe on purpose) to mock me because I didn't want to live with people downstairs that ended up being every bit as scummy as I knew they would. Do YOU have that situation at your house? No, you don't. Do you have to put up with people giving you dirty looks and having their nasty little kids playing like the destructive little creatures they are right under your nose where you can't escape? No, you don't. And you emboldened William to act belligerently towards us, which he did, no mistake about it. A couple of drunks raising 2 kids in a one bedroom apartment. Under me. Nice. How do you think you'd like it? Not much, I suspect. The entire reason their last landlord all of a sudden had to sell the trailer and get out of the business of renting? It's the only way he knew to get them to leave. These are the folks in the trailer park that always have too much sleaze coming and going and they run the grounds down and nobody ever wants to live near them. Been there, done that. Been a welfare examiner in public assistance, I know how it works. I have been on both sides of the desk, Josh, and you could learn a lot from my experiences, if you had any respect for me or any curiosity about me. There are a lot of things you don't know about your grandma, so please don't think you have anything to say on that score, either. I've taken shit enough. Having it come from you like a freight train and completely unfairly is too much. Stop putting me down. You have nothing to be so cocky about. I have two separate college degrees, on in social sciences/Women's Studies and a second one in Business Administration, and both with highest honors; I was the only one in my graduating class (out of 700+) to get two separate degrees and both with highest honors. You have no idea how hard it was going to school with three kids. I've looked at and worked with both sides of the poverty and women's issues my whole life, and I don't deserve to catch shit and be WIPED OUT of your life, [daughter's first, middle, and last names] You are doing exactly the thing that would hurt me the most, Daughter, and it's not the first time you've done it. Be woman enough to TALK about what you're worried about, don't just drive up here and the two of you try to pull some intervention-style ambush on me, when you don't know wtf you're even talking about. Stop diagnosing me. How would you feel?

I'm sick at heart and have no friends up here and we are isolated. Another act of elder abuse....and the both of you KNOW how you would feel if you were the one being "helped". Your concern is suspect, Josh. You spoke not out of concern for me as much as out of fear. Fear doesn't equal love. If you truly care, stop erasing me. Christ, Daugher, do you really have nothing to say? Well I have plenty to say. Ghosting. Wow. How mature.

Interesting interpersonal skills, people. Ambush and run, and then disappear. Make me invisible.

Make me irrelevant. Oops, I forgot. I already am.

And I am a feminist, Josh. You love using the big words, it must make you feel invincible. People who profess to have social consciences ought to live their own principles.

Color me green. For being a little under the weather from all this love and concern...funny how you haven't even set foot on the property up here, Josh, so you've been blissfully ignorant of the suffering you've caused me and Ed (who does not need nor receive any "ventriloquizing" from me to write a letter. Good grief. I know, too, that my comfort up here was not your main concern, we just got to live here as long as we behaved ourselves. You couldn't even bother putting on a toilet seat in OUR apartment, and the expensive and much more efficient Rinnai went downstairs, while we had the shitty inefficient one, and never got the stove connected in our living room. All the painting went downstairs. For chrissakes the kitchen sink hadn't been cleaned since the last people lived in this house...i literally gagged when I had to do it myself. Before we came, you told me about the new front-load washer and dryer that you'd found at Goodwill or somewhere. Then when I get here, you tell me you let Linda have it, and we get the lesser machines that came from guess where? Linda. I've got Linda's old castoffs. At least they work for now!

I don't know what the hell happened to you, Josh. Things were getting better for us, and we instigated and shared the expense of putting outdoor lights on the house. I don't know what the hell you have to be so upset at me for in the first place. Daughter you spoke out of turn and out of your own fear, and you got it very very wrong. This whole blowup came from you betraying my confidences to you. Wow. Why did you betray me that way? How could you? I have been there at every turn for you. And it always seems to get me the same treatment: sooner or later you throw a wrench into our relationship and close me off like a piece of garbage. That's what I get for trying to help you. Bulletin, Josh: I was not sabotaging you. You know better than that. You jumped to that conclusion, but that is not what was going on. Little did I know that there were underhanded plans being made.

If you want to show love and concern for someone....this method won't work. Talk to me if you have something to say. Sneaking around and making an unnecessary trip 300 miles to ambush someone isn't what normal people do. And then to be arrogant to me, or to Ed, Joshua, as though you're talking to the feeble minded. Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you two?

Don't keep this crap up. You two have hurt me very badly. You don't trust me, Josh? Ha. Take a look at yourself. After you gave me reassurance in the beginning, you couldn't wait to take it away again. Daughter, are you okay with Josh evicting us? Really? Again, WAKE UP, you two. I'm not to blame for your god damn fears, either of you. And Linda and you don't scare me, either. I suppose it is okay for her to tell us to get out of this house. Little conflict of interest in the lending arrangement, much? Not to mention meddling in affairs that are not her concerns. And keep the "good friend" speech, Josh. It wasn't so long ago that I was under the [mis]impression that I was your good friend. Don't talk her up to me, Josh. She better stay out of this. Period. I would never do anything to undermine you, Josh. You better get a good grip on your own paranoia.

There. I'm sure I'll get threatened and put through some more undeserved worry and sorrow. Have at it.

Oh, and under what theory of mental health would you think that being nasty to someone you're supposedly concerned about, who you are deliberately putting down, would it be a good thing to do to tell that person they're bad for feeling that way??? And as for Ed and I, mind your own business. Both of you. We have our difficulties and problems; that's life. It sucks sometimes. But it's our life, NOT YOURS. And I'll be sure to remember that this is YOUR house, Josh. Not mine. Got it.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And there is another thing you've been mean about, getting weed for me as well as yourself. Now i have no one reliable, and mostly no one. Thanks for that, Josh. Nice of you. Even Daughter didn't do that, no matter what. That makes you a fine human being, Josh, for refusing to talk to me or do a goddamn thing about your mistakes. You are cruel, and you like making me suffer. Clearly. So be mad at me. I should have expected this. You hold grudges borne of old experiences and put that blame on me. Fuck that.

Talk to me in person. I'm available and it's about time this mess got cleared up. it's your responsibility, you guys created this. Why I've been getting all the shit when it's not my damn doing that you can't rent this downstairs apartment. I try to tell you....oh, but that's nothing I would know more than you OR LINDA. I forgot.

There goes another night's sleep. You think you are the only one suffering, Josh. But you made this mess, not me. Now clean it up. This family needs each other....all of us. Honestly.

Happy freakin' morning. Golly I have so much fun staying up doing this. But this time, I sent it. I'm done taking shit. From anyone. Even Talia hung up on me the other day. And I wasted 16 years raising her. No good deed goes unpunished.

I'm going to bed, if I can sleep. Neither of you have got a corner on insomnia. I wrote that book raising all of you, for which i'm apparently just getting a big fat fuck you, mom. Got it.

---

If this piece spoke to you, would you subscribe or give support to Disaffected?

You can chip in just a few bucks as a one-off, or you can subscribe for a very reasonable monthly price to support the work Kevin and I are doing.

—A monthly subscription is just $7 per month. You’ll be helping produce our show and the writing here, and you’ll get access to the Disaffected Discord chat server.

—There’s a discount for annual subscriptions; you get two months free with this option!

One-Time Support

—Want to throw $3, $5, $10 to our effort without subscribing? Thank you! Click here give in any amount you like.