The drowning will pull you beneath the waves too

the second of a three-part series on leaving an abusive family

Reader's note-this is the second post of three in a series about the final days of my relationship with my mother and her husband.

The first post is here. To read the entire first post, please become a paid subscriber. When you do, you will get more than just access to this Substack. You'll get access to the private Discord chat server for supporters of my show Disaffected.

The letter below was written by my mother's husband, to me, in 2016. That was the time I realized my mother had a severe personality disorder, and I started eviction proceedings to oust her from the house I purchased for her retirement living.

For context:

-This is the man my mother threatened with violence. She abused him daily by calling him a "fucking retard" because of a congenital brain condition he suffers from.

-I had recently called him behind my mother's back to offer him an escape before my mother hurt him. She threatened to crack his skull open with a skillet. Instead, she put a hole in the wall of my house by throwing that pan at him.

-This man continued to try to take my job away for years. He wrote letters to the board of directors at my job (my supervisors) telling them I was an abusive child to my mother. Then, when COVID happened, he started up again, sending letters to my board about how I was an “anti-vaxxer” and “not a good look” for the organization.

Didn’t they want to consider firing me before they took more damage to their reputation?

This is what I had to deal with as the public face of Funeral Consumers Alliance, keeping it all quiet, and praying my bosses would understand that my family was deranged. It was humiliating and stressful.


I anticipate that some of you may have this question: "Why are you airing your family's dirty laundry, Josh?"

Because it's dirty. It's filthy. It's obscene. It needs airing.

And "not airing your dirty laundry" is one of the primary ways abusive families get away with their intra-household violence.

Children like me who grew up in this chaos are groomed to keep secrets. Society colludes in this by treating even depraved, violent families as if they have a right to "private business."

My mother and her husband have forfeited any moral right to anonymity or privacy. My mother forfeited it decades ago.

This is not about "revenge". These people have been out of my life since 2016.

This is about giving you, the reader, something you may recognize from your own family.

I know that some of you think you are the only ones. Many of you think you have a duty of filial piety to accept the abuse your family dishes out, and to keep it quiet. I know this because I talk to grown adults from abusive homes every day.

I also know that many of you think that the kind of letter you will read below is in some way "normal" or "understandable."

It's not.

If this is your life, get these devils out of it now. Especially if it's your mother or father.

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Hi Josh,

This is my final note to you regarding this delusional power-trip you and your sister have concocted. The imperious and hateful email you sent your mother was unforgivable. We are not your pawns and you are not the God of Vermont, handing down the Book of Joshua.

Your claims regarding your mom’s mental state are hysterical and beyond belief. Your words destroyed your mom, forcing her to spend the weekend upset at how two-faced and disingenuous you actually are. We are not mind readers. Keeping your true feelings tightly inside and then spewing your venom only serves to show us how wrong we were to accept you as you outwardly presented yourself.

Your mom is not “clinically paranoid” and I am not being abused. You have taken brief snippets of our interaction, run it through your out-of-whack mental spin cycle, then mixed your sister's vitriol and long-standing bipolar view of the world. Your delusional results only serve to illustrate how out of touch you are with reality and actual human behavior. Your words also show a serious lack of perspective and emotional stability.

The veiled threats made in your email are both laughable and incorrect. Reading that you might run to Adult Protective Services to rattle on about your delusion made me shake in my boots — *not*. I’m surprised for an educated man you have so little real knowledge. You are conflating the powers of APS with CPS. APS requires a vulnerable adult and an abuser. Unlike CPS, APS has no power to force the victim to do anything, let alone somehow force them to undertake a mental screening. (You really should read the actual APS manual.) Do your best, but rest assured we will react and you certainly will not like the outcome. Any action on this delusion will open you to life-changing legal, social and employment consequences.  Not only are you open to an elder abuse charge, but the image of a nonprofit advocate abusing his parents and blackmailing them will serve both as sensational fodder for local and national media, but will also increase FCA questions and concerns regarding your continued employment as National Executive Director.

It is very apparent that you know neither your mom nor me. You mom gave life to you, for god sakes, and has handled a life of continuous problems all by herself. You current delusion is nothing. Don’t get me started how little you know about me. I find it bizarre to the extreme your thinking that somehow your mom “abuses” me or controls my thoughts and actions. I’ve dealt with mentally ill people all my life and your pitiful diatribe will be dealt with in the actual world where consequences are real. There will be no meeting, no “difficult, but necessary” discussion and no pseudo-psychological babble. Instead, we will proceed in the real world where real medical experts will dismiss your delusions as the rantings that they are. It is *you*, Josh — not us — who “are in trouble.”

Your sniping, then blocking any response by your mother, is obviously childish and lacking any courage. Your mom has become unsure of herself, questioning her actions and words because of your abuse. Such abuse will *stop*. Now.

You have torched your relationship with your mom. However, the arson will only engulf you. Do not contact us again - except to apologize. We will go on with our lives without your judgement, comment or interference.

If you had only told us that you didn’t want us here, that you couldn’t handle the pressure and that this was not our home, we would have remained in New York. You told your mom “You’ll never be homeless,” then turn around and threaten to throw us out of “your” home. However, we now know none of your statements were truthful. We will give you all the room you need and respect your boundaries in order to maintain your fragile mental state.

Step off, Josh.

Ed