I have a teenage stepson. He came to live with us almost 5 years ago, because his life with his mother was chaos. Seven schools in seven years. Many boyfriends, moving in and out of their homes, getting kicked out. Fired from all jobs. His mother is an abusive narcissist who contributes zero financially or emotionally to his care and needs. There is no question in my mind about the cluster B. I have studied it for years, and can predict her behavior with near 100% accuracy. I thank you, Josh, for assisting this process.
My husband and I watch and cringe as my stepson is carried on the waves of emotion, as his mother ignores him, belittles him, insults him, blows him off, offers empty gestures, ignores birthdays and holidays, and then every so often love bombs him with the appearance of attention, care, and generosity. No matter how many times the cycle repeats, he falls for the love bombing every single time.
Of course we cannot stop this. We try to manage it behind the scenes whenever possible. Sadly, the reckoning will happen one day when he is an adult.
Although I would never compare my family situation to yours because they are different and mine seems, for the first time in a very, very long while to be in a bit of a ...remission, thankfully. Who knows if it'll last. time will tell. Still, there are things that I can't help but strongly relate to while reading that letter. I can not only hear the tone but *feel* it. If you know, you know. Thanks for sharing that, Josh. Finding you and your show a year ago helped me in ways I can't even communicate.
I could only read the first three paragraphs. I was getting sucked in! Josh, you are an intelligent, magnetic person and you obviously get some of your magnetism from her. What that tells me is that the effort it took for you to remove yourself from this cycle of mental illness was herculean. Congratulations on getting out and turning the horrible experience into teaching moments for the entire world. Have a very merry Christmas and thank you for all this great content.
Thank you for baring your soul in this way. If nothing else (although there was much else), this has reminded me to be patient and compassionate toward anyone I may come into contact with because maybe they are dealing with a relationship like yours with your mom, and maybe they still feel like they are somehow to blame.
Thank you for sharing this. It was just like reading an email from my mother. And like you, I go back and read her emails to me or discuss events that happened with my husband to remind myself I’m not the crazy one. Sometimes I look at letters like the one you shared and laugh at the insanity of it, and sometimes they make me cry with how sick it all is.
I don’t have much contact with my aunts but when I do, they (and my brother) tell me my mother has changed. Then I say, “Didn’t she get into an argument about the Catholic Church, then say she couldn’t spend Christmas at Aunt Susan’s ‘shit hole of a house,’ and board a plane without telling anyone (even her husband) and fly across the country, effectively going missing for several days?” “But that was 2 years ago! Don’t be so hard on her.”
I had been out of the picture for 4 years at this point so I can laugh at it (and dismiss my family’s guilt tripping…I moved across the country for a reason!). But damn, when you’re IN it (because they drag you into it), it upends your entire life. Thanks for showing people what Cluster B looks like, de-programming those still entwined with it, and for preaching to the choir—we need to reminded!
That is really something. I'm thankful I've never had such a traumatic breakdown in my family, although I did "divorce" two of my brothers nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes we have to let go.
On a brighter note--have a merry Christmas and a great new year!
So sorry you had to endure that. The emotional toxicity makes me shudder. It's the same as my children's 'mother' below (‘Mark’, named changed, is our son). She was cluster B with bi-polar and killed herself during lock-down due to lack of supply, a blessing for everyone. Almost every, emotionally manipulative, sentence is a lie (picking one, she would have received the maximum state pension had she reached 66 due to the payments I'd made; she'd never worked). She constantly guilt-trips Mark and makes him her emotional carer; he never grew out of that, remained emotionally at 11 years old when the abuse began (he's now cluster B too, as is my daughter ‘Laura’).
'Mark,
In answer to your vile accusations: your father made the divorce expensive for me. I needed a lawyer where his father paid for his legal advice. We settled out of court when I was threatened by his top Barrister, consequently he refused my legal right of a share of his pension which means I now have none - not even the state pension, that is why I have to take care of myself. But I’m sure you don’t care about that. The subsequent court case to stop his awful harassment also cost me money - how much is no concern of yours as is what I have or have not spent - how dare you!
Ruth left her money to me not you remember? I promised to help you when I was still married and Ruth’s money was a bonus I could, out of generosity, share with you and Laura if I wanted to. As you know things have changed drastically since then.
How dare you call me a liar! When you came home to go to college I asked dad to help buy you a flat in Basingstoke saying it would be a good investment for us but he refused. I would still have helped you but you only went to college for one week! I had also become depressed so couldn’t sort you out further then. When I got better I offered to buy you a prefab house but you were not very keen and then Karl took you back north so don’t ever say that I didn’t try my very best to help you! What has you father done? Nothing except lie about me, tell you you need therapy and take you on a couple of free holidays.
I persuaded him, while we were still married that we leave you 30k more in our will to make up for Laura’s schooling but I don’t expect he will honour that now we are divorced - why don’t you ask him?
To turn your question round - what have you ever done for me since moving north? When I came to seek a few days refuge with you when dad was raving at me you were awful to me! During the divorce and then for another 9 months or so afterwards you did not communicate with me at all. I never felt your love or support. Unlike Laura who has been nothing but kind, supportive and loving, you have caused me a lot of pain over the last one and a half years. She has grown so much. She never asks me for anything but has actually helped me a lot. I don’t give her money except a couple of small loans to tide her over which she has repaid in full. We see each other every week and she also texts and facetimes me to make sure I’m fine and to share her life with me. She is a pleasure. That you are so obviously jealous of Laura is sad. Why don't you try to change your life by your own efforts like her? I wouldn’t bring up the past and stolen money again if I were you as who first stole from me? Who first caused damage by having horrendous parties? If I can forgive you for all that, and I have, then why not Sof?
While I was glad to see you and Karl at my launch Karl ruined the visit for both Laura and me by his thoughtless words, telling us things we need never have known.
In spite of all this and going against all my friends’ advice not to put my future at risk, I have an appointment to see my financial adviser on Thursday and will ask him what I can do.
Oh yes! Far, far gone. She's spewing venom into her own echo chamber. Her own reflective pool. You were never there...she never saw you. She never will. She'll never see the deep damage she did. She'll never see the good decent son she had. Your 'mother' isn't there...a 'mother' that never was. From one abused child to another...I see you and I see what she did to you...your fight to survive.
This reminds me of the things my BPD sister would say back when she used to rant at us. It was always in person, no letters or emails. A couple of times, she pulled a knife and we had to call the cops.
Fortunately she has calmed down quite a bit the last few years. She realized she was hurting her family and has learned some good coping mechanisms. The last time I saw her start to do the "personality change" thing, she ran up to her room and shut the door and didn't come back out until she was calm and normal again. I admire her for her struggle.
The only thing I'm glad about this crazy letter is that you can show it to people so that they can see they're not the crazy ones for receiving something similar from their loved one. I'm sorry for the way she betrayed you and rejected your love, Josh.
I feel for you, Josh. That was quite the tirade.
As the eldest female--I am one of six children--I was scape-goated. That's what they do to love-bunnies like us.
She's utterly warped. I'm glad this letter helped you to disentangle yourself. You deserve better.
Thank you for reposting this.
I have a teenage stepson. He came to live with us almost 5 years ago, because his life with his mother was chaos. Seven schools in seven years. Many boyfriends, moving in and out of their homes, getting kicked out. Fired from all jobs. His mother is an abusive narcissist who contributes zero financially or emotionally to his care and needs. There is no question in my mind about the cluster B. I have studied it for years, and can predict her behavior with near 100% accuracy. I thank you, Josh, for assisting this process.
My husband and I watch and cringe as my stepson is carried on the waves of emotion, as his mother ignores him, belittles him, insults him, blows him off, offers empty gestures, ignores birthdays and holidays, and then every so often love bombs him with the appearance of attention, care, and generosity. No matter how many times the cycle repeats, he falls for the love bombing every single time.
Of course we cannot stop this. We try to manage it behind the scenes whenever possible. Sadly, the reckoning will happen one day when he is an adult.
I hope your stepson learns what this is about psychologically earlier than I did. Perhaps he should read this post, and some of my others.
Some day, when the time seems right, we just might introduce him to your work.
Also, hilariously, this is her standing email signature:
"Sent With Love, Safety, and Care"
The signature of the wicked woman. Malice behind lace.
Oooooh. Nasty passive aggressive.
Some aspects of this are passed down genetically, however. I see it in the family into which my sister married.
Although I would never compare my family situation to yours because they are different and mine seems, for the first time in a very, very long while to be in a bit of a ...remission, thankfully. Who knows if it'll last. time will tell. Still, there are things that I can't help but strongly relate to while reading that letter. I can not only hear the tone but *feel* it. If you know, you know. Thanks for sharing that, Josh. Finding you and your show a year ago helped me in ways I can't even communicate.
I could only read the first three paragraphs. I was getting sucked in! Josh, you are an intelligent, magnetic person and you obviously get some of your magnetism from her. What that tells me is that the effort it took for you to remove yourself from this cycle of mental illness was herculean. Congratulations on getting out and turning the horrible experience into teaching moments for the entire world. Have a very merry Christmas and thank you for all this great content.
I got traits from my mother, good and bad, yes. The work has been smoothing off the hardest, meanest edges. I keep trying.
Merry Christmas, Whit!
They love the word "ambush".
They really, really do.
Thank you for baring your soul in this way. If nothing else (although there was much else), this has reminded me to be patient and compassionate toward anyone I may come into contact with because maybe they are dealing with a relationship like yours with your mom, and maybe they still feel like they are somehow to blame.
Thank you for sharing this. It was just like reading an email from my mother. And like you, I go back and read her emails to me or discuss events that happened with my husband to remind myself I’m not the crazy one. Sometimes I look at letters like the one you shared and laugh at the insanity of it, and sometimes they make me cry with how sick it all is.
I don’t have much contact with my aunts but when I do, they (and my brother) tell me my mother has changed. Then I say, “Didn’t she get into an argument about the Catholic Church, then say she couldn’t spend Christmas at Aunt Susan’s ‘shit hole of a house,’ and board a plane without telling anyone (even her husband) and fly across the country, effectively going missing for several days?” “But that was 2 years ago! Don’t be so hard on her.”
I had been out of the picture for 4 years at this point so I can laugh at it (and dismiss my family’s guilt tripping…I moved across the country for a reason!). But damn, when you’re IN it (because they drag you into it), it upends your entire life. Thanks for showing people what Cluster B looks like, de-programming those still entwined with it, and for preaching to the choir—we need to reminded!
That is really something. I'm thankful I've never had such a traumatic breakdown in my family, although I did "divorce" two of my brothers nearly twenty years ago. Sometimes we have to let go.
On a brighter note--have a merry Christmas and a great new year!
Huh!? Wow ~ speechless
So sorry you had to endure that. The emotional toxicity makes me shudder. It's the same as my children's 'mother' below (‘Mark’, named changed, is our son). She was cluster B with bi-polar and killed herself during lock-down due to lack of supply, a blessing for everyone. Almost every, emotionally manipulative, sentence is a lie (picking one, she would have received the maximum state pension had she reached 66 due to the payments I'd made; she'd never worked). She constantly guilt-trips Mark and makes him her emotional carer; he never grew out of that, remained emotionally at 11 years old when the abuse began (he's now cluster B too, as is my daughter ‘Laura’).
'Mark,
In answer to your vile accusations: your father made the divorce expensive for me. I needed a lawyer where his father paid for his legal advice. We settled out of court when I was threatened by his top Barrister, consequently he refused my legal right of a share of his pension which means I now have none - not even the state pension, that is why I have to take care of myself. But I’m sure you don’t care about that. The subsequent court case to stop his awful harassment also cost me money - how much is no concern of yours as is what I have or have not spent - how dare you!
Ruth left her money to me not you remember? I promised to help you when I was still married and Ruth’s money was a bonus I could, out of generosity, share with you and Laura if I wanted to. As you know things have changed drastically since then.
How dare you call me a liar! When you came home to go to college I asked dad to help buy you a flat in Basingstoke saying it would be a good investment for us but he refused. I would still have helped you but you only went to college for one week! I had also become depressed so couldn’t sort you out further then. When I got better I offered to buy you a prefab house but you were not very keen and then Karl took you back north so don’t ever say that I didn’t try my very best to help you! What has you father done? Nothing except lie about me, tell you you need therapy and take you on a couple of free holidays.
I persuaded him, while we were still married that we leave you 30k more in our will to make up for Laura’s schooling but I don’t expect he will honour that now we are divorced - why don’t you ask him?
To turn your question round - what have you ever done for me since moving north? When I came to seek a few days refuge with you when dad was raving at me you were awful to me! During the divorce and then for another 9 months or so afterwards you did not communicate with me at all. I never felt your love or support. Unlike Laura who has been nothing but kind, supportive and loving, you have caused me a lot of pain over the last one and a half years. She has grown so much. She never asks me for anything but has actually helped me a lot. I don’t give her money except a couple of small loans to tide her over which she has repaid in full. We see each other every week and she also texts and facetimes me to make sure I’m fine and to share her life with me. She is a pleasure. That you are so obviously jealous of Laura is sad. Why don't you try to change your life by your own efforts like her? I wouldn’t bring up the past and stolen money again if I were you as who first stole from me? Who first caused damage by having horrendous parties? If I can forgive you for all that, and I have, then why not Sof?
While I was glad to see you and Karl at my launch Karl ruined the visit for both Laura and me by his thoughtless words, telling us things we need never have known.
In spite of all this and going against all my friends’ advice not to put my future at risk, I have an appointment to see my financial adviser on Thursday and will ask him what I can do.
Mum'
"Another thing: Mister" lol
Oh yes! Far, far gone. She's spewing venom into her own echo chamber. Her own reflective pool. You were never there...she never saw you. She never will. She'll never see the deep damage she did. She'll never see the good decent son she had. Your 'mother' isn't there...a 'mother' that never was. From one abused child to another...I see you and I see what she did to you...your fight to survive.
Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, Josh.
This reminds me of the things my BPD sister would say back when she used to rant at us. It was always in person, no letters or emails. A couple of times, she pulled a knife and we had to call the cops.
Fortunately she has calmed down quite a bit the last few years. She realized she was hurting her family and has learned some good coping mechanisms. The last time I saw her start to do the "personality change" thing, she ran up to her room and shut the door and didn't come back out until she was calm and normal again. I admire her for her struggle.
DARVO
Moar DARVO
You could put that in a textbook on how to spot Cluster B communication styles.
Insult, accusation, deflection, insult, I'm the victim, accusation, denial, blame, shame...
With love,
Mom
The only thing I'm glad about this crazy letter is that you can show it to people so that they can see they're not the crazy ones for receiving something similar from their loved one. I'm sorry for the way she betrayed you and rejected your love, Josh.