People who watch or listen to Disaffected often comment that it must be difficult to tell the stories of abuse from my childhood and youth. It isn’t. Telling the world about the lies, the psychological manipulation, the night raids and beatings, doesn’t faze me. It never has, telling stories about the alarming or the extremes I’ve encountered. Perhaps it’s connected to my ability to be competent in (other people’s ) emergencies. For all my neuroticism, especially about my internal anxieties, I’m a good friend in a disaster. I don’t fall apart or cry until I’ve taken care of the immediate danger.
I am 47 this year and have similar feelings about not having a family. When I was younger I was terrified of having children and thought it was best to end the 'generational trauma'. I was was afraid of being a terrible parent and behaving like my mother. Now there's no going back and I wonder if I made a big mistake. I don't want to blame everything on my family and I need to take responsibility for my own decisions, but there's no doubt that my childhood made me believe that I would fuck it up. I didn't expect to feel so sad about it later on.
You’re writing is always so true and beautiful. Your words have inspired me and taught me so much about myself and the world. Thank you. You inspire a great deal of admiration, gratitude, and affection in my heart. Wishing you every blessing.
Damn it, Josh. You've made me sad. No, this isn’t a sympathy post for what was done to you; but I do feel sad for what was taken from you.
I had what you did not, have what you do not, and when I read posts like what you wrote, it makes me realize just how fortunate I was and am. It also makes me wonder, "why me?"
Hell of a life to have to have lived to put you in the position you are now, helping and instructing and opening eyes because of what you experienced. You have my admiration and respect.
There is terrible cruelty in wanting a family of one’s own - but knowing one was robbed in childhood of the precise tools required to create, build, and sustain it.
....and, of course, the robbed childhood itself is what makes a person want a good family experience so badly. The reason for wanting it, and the reason one can’t have it, are the same.
Ouch, this one hit hard. I too am entering mid-life, and have been single my entire life. I've never really wanted kids, but my inability to form a long-term relationship with a man has been on my mind lately. Unlike you, I didn't suffer from childhood abuse or trauma, but I'm pretty sure I'm an Aspie (never been diagnosed though). I've always struggled with social interaction and communication on some deep level, like I just don't get it. The regret is not something I saw coming either.
Harder for a woman to have Aspergers as it's so often overlooked in women, or unrecognized. I suspect it feels like you're adrift and others think you're odd, but can't make the connection?
I want you to know something: even though this isn't a reciprocal relationship because we don't know each other, your love is going somewhere. Your love is in your writing, your thoughtfulness, your ability to make others reflect on their own lives and their own behavior. You hold up a mirror that gives people a chance to see themselves and choose to be better.
I live in an area where I have no one outside of my own household to build community with. My community is here, in the digital world, with people I don't know, can't speak with, but who at least share some of my views. It's enough to help me feel a little less crazy in an insane environment.
I know you have this profound effect through your writing because I've experienced it, but I also see it in other people's comments on your posts, so I know it's not just me. That has an effect out here, in the real world.
Like many of your readers, I survived a fucked up childhood. I had my first son at 22, and I guess predictably, I did what fucked up people do...I fucked up some more. A lot. I didn't know any better. I didn't know how not to become my mother. At that age, I didn't even realize just how much of a monster she had been to me. I grew up believing her abuse behavior *was* love, or at least some integral part of it. Oddly enough, I believed I was doing things differently than she did. With the benefit of age and hindsight, I was able to see that at the heart of it all, I had made the same mistakes, with different window-dressing.
I waited until my mid-thirties to have another child, and my last at age 42. I've had a lot of time to think, grow up, and change my ways. I don't trust therapists. I've been to so many of them and they've done immeasurable damage to me, my family, and my marriage. Sometimes worse than whatever issue brought me/us to them in the first place.
I've come to the conclusion that our reliance on therapy is just another way of abdicating our true responsibilities to ourselves and each other. A way of expecting someone else to fix us, rather than taking up the mantle of doing the work to make ourselves better people. Parents would rather send their children to "professionals" than do the work of being better parents. If we want better kids, we need to be better parents.
In this, we can learn from our own shitty childhoods and from the shitty childhoods of other people, who have also decided to do the work of self-improvement and have something to contribute.
This brings me back to you. You've done the work, you're *doing* the work. You share with us as you work through your own shit and strugge with it sometimes. It gives your readers the space to do the same. That is a gift, and it is a gift love. A gift that you give not only to yourself in healing, but a gift in healing others. That healing extends to the people that we, your readers, come in contact with. That is a multiplying force of good in the world.
I will likely never meet you face-to-face. You'll likely never know my kids, or meet the sweet kitten you inspired me to bring home. But I can tell you this, the gifts I've received from your openness in sharing your stories are felt in my family, and that will have a good and loving effect in the future branches of this family tree.
IMO, the issue with therapists is that they are completely brainwashed into believing that they should not judge cluster Bs and that people with PDs can be treated. If you tell your clients to avoid cluster Bs or refuse to "treat" them* yourself, you are told you are stigmatising people. Most therapists simply follow along.
*There is no effective evidence based treatment for most cluster B disorders. DBT may help with BPD, but a) many with BPD actually have NPD and b) I am skeptical of the long-term results.
I've found many therapists to either be either 1) well- intentioned, but completely in over their heads and 100% ineffective or 2) actual narcissists, who just get off on having people pay through the nose for bad advice. I've come across a couple who were nothing short of outright evil.
I'm sure there are good ones out there, some may be hamstrung by the strange political times we find ourselves in. But by and large, I find the intellectual pursuits of the-rapists to be rather harmful to the desperate people who are relying upon them the most, their clients.
I don't give them the benefit of the doubt anymore because I've gotten screwed too many times.
The other issue is that American therapists are a breed of their own. Therapists in Europe practice very differently. Daniel Mackler's YT video about why he stopped being a therapist is illuminating in this regard. Most of the reasons he cites are not applicable to Europe. For example, I have heard some crazy stories about American supervisors yelling at their proteges. If a supervisor did that here you would just walk out and report them.
I agree that narcs are attracted to the therapy profession. Also, we now know that trauma is physically stored in the body, so talk therapy is not enough in many cases.
This one made me tear up. I can relate to the lack of family through my experience with involuntary childlessness. However, I do feel your love is going somewhere. It is going into your podcast and writings. I have learned so much from you.
This post saddened me on two fronts. One, I have come think of you almost as a son of my own, having three sons, 60, 59 and 46 so you would fit perfectly in there somewhere, and two, my oldest is alone and has never had a girlfriend for any length of time and is either not gay or is not acting on it because he has no guy friend, either. I always hoped he would meet someone that could love him for his quirks. He is different, for sure. He has nephews and is close to the younger brother but I am sad for him. Having said all that, I would like to add that your writing and your podcasts/videos are so very helpful to me as well to a whole lot of other people. I love your humor (I love dark humor) and love the way you cut to the chase with every topic you present to us. Keep it up, Josh. You have LOTS of fans that love you and are benefitting from your wisdom.
Oh, this is so heartfelt. Thank you for speaking so honestly with your readers -- it's part of why we support you.
I am approaching 40 and have recently started mourning not having a family, even though I always told myself I didn't want kids. I have had a lot of mental health struggles and my relationships have tended to be rollercoasters. Lockdowns and Covid insanity made me unravel after having finally found a semblance of stability, and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. In short, I am not sure I could handle parenthood.
It's also the case that in my mid-20s I decided I preferred romantic relationships with women rather than men (I'm female). I'm very ambivalent about using reproductive technologies to conceive -- and morally averse to bringing a child into the world without a father. So really I always accepted the biological limits of a same-sex relationship.
I thought the matter was settled. But as I near middle age, it's suddenly tugging at me. I think it comes down to wanting to orient myself externally -- I want a higher purpose, I want to nurture, I want external obligations. In short, I want to direct my love somewhere.
I'm an only child so have no nieces or nephews. I live in a different country to my parents and extended family. I'm craving community but it feels elusive in today's world.
I am 47 this year and have similar feelings about not having a family. When I was younger I was terrified of having children and thought it was best to end the 'generational trauma'. I was was afraid of being a terrible parent and behaving like my mother. Now there's no going back and I wonder if I made a big mistake. I don't want to blame everything on my family and I need to take responsibility for my own decisions, but there's no doubt that my childhood made me believe that I would fuck it up. I didn't expect to feel so sad about it later on.
You’re writing is always so true and beautiful. Your words have inspired me and taught me so much about myself and the world. Thank you. You inspire a great deal of admiration, gratitude, and affection in my heart. Wishing you every blessing.
We do adopt an auntie/uncle in my family. More and more of my generation (about 2/3 of my friends) can't have kids.
I think Mary Harrington mentioned something about digital children. Like a demonic form of temogatchi.
Damn it, Josh. You've made me sad. No, this isn’t a sympathy post for what was done to you; but I do feel sad for what was taken from you.
I had what you did not, have what you do not, and when I read posts like what you wrote, it makes me realize just how fortunate I was and am. It also makes me wonder, "why me?"
Hell of a life to have to have lived to put you in the position you are now, helping and instructing and opening eyes because of what you experienced. You have my admiration and respect.
There is terrible cruelty in wanting a family of one’s own - but knowing one was robbed in childhood of the precise tools required to create, build, and sustain it.
....and, of course, the robbed childhood itself is what makes a person want a good family experience so badly. The reason for wanting it, and the reason one can’t have it, are the same.
I love you, Josh. 💕
Ouch, this one hit hard. I too am entering mid-life, and have been single my entire life. I've never really wanted kids, but my inability to form a long-term relationship with a man has been on my mind lately. Unlike you, I didn't suffer from childhood abuse or trauma, but I'm pretty sure I'm an Aspie (never been diagnosed though). I've always struggled with social interaction and communication on some deep level, like I just don't get it. The regret is not something I saw coming either.
Harder for a woman to have Aspergers as it's so often overlooked in women, or unrecognized. I suspect it feels like you're adrift and others think you're odd, but can't make the connection?
Hey fellow Aspie, or whatever is the accepted word for it now. I feel you.
I want you to know something: even though this isn't a reciprocal relationship because we don't know each other, your love is going somewhere. Your love is in your writing, your thoughtfulness, your ability to make others reflect on their own lives and their own behavior. You hold up a mirror that gives people a chance to see themselves and choose to be better.
I live in an area where I have no one outside of my own household to build community with. My community is here, in the digital world, with people I don't know, can't speak with, but who at least share some of my views. It's enough to help me feel a little less crazy in an insane environment.
I know you have this profound effect through your writing because I've experienced it, but I also see it in other people's comments on your posts, so I know it's not just me. That has an effect out here, in the real world.
Like many of your readers, I survived a fucked up childhood. I had my first son at 22, and I guess predictably, I did what fucked up people do...I fucked up some more. A lot. I didn't know any better. I didn't know how not to become my mother. At that age, I didn't even realize just how much of a monster she had been to me. I grew up believing her abuse behavior *was* love, or at least some integral part of it. Oddly enough, I believed I was doing things differently than she did. With the benefit of age and hindsight, I was able to see that at the heart of it all, I had made the same mistakes, with different window-dressing.
I waited until my mid-thirties to have another child, and my last at age 42. I've had a lot of time to think, grow up, and change my ways. I don't trust therapists. I've been to so many of them and they've done immeasurable damage to me, my family, and my marriage. Sometimes worse than whatever issue brought me/us to them in the first place.
I've come to the conclusion that our reliance on therapy is just another way of abdicating our true responsibilities to ourselves and each other. A way of expecting someone else to fix us, rather than taking up the mantle of doing the work to make ourselves better people. Parents would rather send their children to "professionals" than do the work of being better parents. If we want better kids, we need to be better parents.
In this, we can learn from our own shitty childhoods and from the shitty childhoods of other people, who have also decided to do the work of self-improvement and have something to contribute.
This brings me back to you. You've done the work, you're *doing* the work. You share with us as you work through your own shit and strugge with it sometimes. It gives your readers the space to do the same. That is a gift, and it is a gift love. A gift that you give not only to yourself in healing, but a gift in healing others. That healing extends to the people that we, your readers, come in contact with. That is a multiplying force of good in the world.
I will likely never meet you face-to-face. You'll likely never know my kids, or meet the sweet kitten you inspired me to bring home. But I can tell you this, the gifts I've received from your openness in sharing your stories are felt in my family, and that will have a good and loving effect in the future branches of this family tree.
Your love has someplace to go, @JoshSlocum
IMO, the issue with therapists is that they are completely brainwashed into believing that they should not judge cluster Bs and that people with PDs can be treated. If you tell your clients to avoid cluster Bs or refuse to "treat" them* yourself, you are told you are stigmatising people. Most therapists simply follow along.
*There is no effective evidence based treatment for most cluster B disorders. DBT may help with BPD, but a) many with BPD actually have NPD and b) I am skeptical of the long-term results.
You speak for me, too, Lynn.
I've found many therapists to either be either 1) well- intentioned, but completely in over their heads and 100% ineffective or 2) actual narcissists, who just get off on having people pay through the nose for bad advice. I've come across a couple who were nothing short of outright evil.
I'm sure there are good ones out there, some may be hamstrung by the strange political times we find ourselves in. But by and large, I find the intellectual pursuits of the-rapists to be rather harmful to the desperate people who are relying upon them the most, their clients.
I don't give them the benefit of the doubt anymore because I've gotten screwed too many times.
The other issue is that American therapists are a breed of their own. Therapists in Europe practice very differently. Daniel Mackler's YT video about why he stopped being a therapist is illuminating in this regard. Most of the reasons he cites are not applicable to Europe. For example, I have heard some crazy stories about American supervisors yelling at their proteges. If a supervisor did that here you would just walk out and report them.
I agree that narcs are attracted to the therapy profession. Also, we now know that trauma is physically stored in the body, so talk therapy is not enough in many cases.
Daniel's video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0Fi32LbXHA
I appreciate you, Maya. Thank you. We've seen a lot of the same things.
Your heartfelt, honest, poignant sincerity reaches more than you know Josh.
This one made me tear up. I can relate to the lack of family through my experience with involuntary childlessness. However, I do feel your love is going somewhere. It is going into your podcast and writings. I have learned so much from you.
This post saddened me on two fronts. One, I have come think of you almost as a son of my own, having three sons, 60, 59 and 46 so you would fit perfectly in there somewhere, and two, my oldest is alone and has never had a girlfriend for any length of time and is either not gay or is not acting on it because he has no guy friend, either. I always hoped he would meet someone that could love him for his quirks. He is different, for sure. He has nephews and is close to the younger brother but I am sad for him. Having said all that, I would like to add that your writing and your podcasts/videos are so very helpful to me as well to a whole lot of other people. I love your humor (I love dark humor) and love the way you cut to the chase with every topic you present to us. Keep it up, Josh. You have LOTS of fans that love you and are benefitting from your wisdom.
Oh, this is so heartfelt. Thank you for speaking so honestly with your readers -- it's part of why we support you.
I am approaching 40 and have recently started mourning not having a family, even though I always told myself I didn't want kids. I have had a lot of mental health struggles and my relationships have tended to be rollercoasters. Lockdowns and Covid insanity made me unravel after having finally found a semblance of stability, and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. In short, I am not sure I could handle parenthood.
It's also the case that in my mid-20s I decided I preferred romantic relationships with women rather than men (I'm female). I'm very ambivalent about using reproductive technologies to conceive -- and morally averse to bringing a child into the world without a father. So really I always accepted the biological limits of a same-sex relationship.
I thought the matter was settled. But as I near middle age, it's suddenly tugging at me. I think it comes down to wanting to orient myself externally -- I want a higher purpose, I want to nurture, I want external obligations. In short, I want to direct my love somewhere.
I'm an only child so have no nieces or nephews. I live in a different country to my parents and extended family. I'm craving community but it feels elusive in today's world.