You're feeling guilty about being mean to your parents by going no contact. Or by limiting contact. You say to yourself, "But it's my father." Or, "You only get one mother." You're also telling yourself, "She did her best" "She loves me, but just in her own way," and "She went through a lot." I know you're telling yourself these things because I did.
This is excellent, as always. The point about arrest is especially salient. I stumbled across this a few days after I had my magic birthday. Was arguing with my mother, and she ran across the room to hit me across the face. I no longer lived with her, so at first I turned to go. Then I reached for the phone. "Why don't we let the cops settle this one?" She didn't exactly cower and back down, but she tried to talk me out of it. I just wanted to get away and be quiet, so I let her talk me out of it. Later, I realized why -- what had consciously occurred to her but not me. For child abuse, she could explain to the cops that I had gotten out of line and deserved it. (As indeed she had, the handful of times that neighbors called the police when I was a kid.) As an adult? Assault and battery is actually serious--you know, a crime against a person. An actual human. And that human could decide whether or not to press charges.
That revelation changed everything. Thank goodness.
“You don’t speak to someone who abuses you”. This right here. I’m a therapist and the only reason I am sitting on that chair vs the other is because of that simple fact. Sure. Its never mutually exclusive and there’s all the training, etc. None of that would be worth a damn if I hadn’t disowned the clusterfk that I was a part of, involuntarily. Its so powerfully simple. And especially important to remember this time of year. Great post.
It was my stepmonster who wreaked havoc on my life (and everyone else's). Not that either of my parents were saints, but most of their bad behavior was related to HER. Anyway, she died a couple of weeks ago and we went home for the funeral. I dyed my hair dark red before we left, which confused my husband and my Mom since I normally wear it lighter. I just smiled to myself because I knew why — I was fulfilling my role as the red-headed stepchild she always made me feel like. I forgave her for my own peace of mind, but she wasn't a good person. I refuse to pretend like she was.
Great wake-up call for many. I still believe many teens and grown ups should and could benefit from a book of concrete examples. So many abused as kids excuse the behavior as not so bad because they were not raped and they were not beaten (that often). But most have a really hard time recognizing the emotional abuse in particular if it deals with manipulation tactics and scapegoating.
This is excellent, as always. The point about arrest is especially salient. I stumbled across this a few days after I had my magic birthday. Was arguing with my mother, and she ran across the room to hit me across the face. I no longer lived with her, so at first I turned to go. Then I reached for the phone. "Why don't we let the cops settle this one?" She didn't exactly cower and back down, but she tried to talk me out of it. I just wanted to get away and be quiet, so I let her talk me out of it. Later, I realized why -- what had consciously occurred to her but not me. For child abuse, she could explain to the cops that I had gotten out of line and deserved it. (As indeed she had, the handful of times that neighbors called the police when I was a kid.) As an adult? Assault and battery is actually serious--you know, a crime against a person. An actual human. And that human could decide whether or not to press charges.
That revelation changed everything. Thank goodness.
“You don’t speak to someone who abuses you”. This right here. I’m a therapist and the only reason I am sitting on that chair vs the other is because of that simple fact. Sure. Its never mutually exclusive and there’s all the training, etc. None of that would be worth a damn if I hadn’t disowned the clusterfk that I was a part of, involuntarily. Its so powerfully simple. And especially important to remember this time of year. Great post.
It was my stepmonster who wreaked havoc on my life (and everyone else's). Not that either of my parents were saints, but most of their bad behavior was related to HER. Anyway, she died a couple of weeks ago and we went home for the funeral. I dyed my hair dark red before we left, which confused my husband and my Mom since I normally wear it lighter. I just smiled to myself because I knew why — I was fulfilling my role as the red-headed stepchild she always made me feel like. I forgave her for my own peace of mind, but she wasn't a good person. I refuse to pretend like she was.
Great wake-up call for many. I still believe many teens and grown ups should and could benefit from a book of concrete examples. So many abused as kids excuse the behavior as not so bad because they were not raped and they were not beaten (that often). But most have a really hard time recognizing the emotional abuse in particular if it deals with manipulation tactics and scapegoating.