Thanks for sharing this - gorgeous song, always makes me cry. I like the Kenny Loggins version too. I'm with you about what's going on in the culture. My solution is to flee to an older culture, by moving abroad to my ancestral country. I know not everyone has that option, but if I didn't, I think I would try to create our own older culture around me as much as possible. Kind of like what you do with the oil lamps. I would take that spirit and just build my life out of it.
I too have noticed that women with PDs are often great with babies. I wonder if it's just biology keeping them on the straight and narrow for a temporary period of time.
Up until around age seven, children idolize and emulate their mother. It’s a biological imperative that evolved as the best option for humans during the most vulnerable period of their lives. It’s a perfect source for narcissistic supply.
Yes. Seven is the age when I remember the occasional outbursts of temper becoming "normal." I shit my pants by accident in the store and my mother pulled me by the shirt collar screaming at me in the store into the bathroom, where she proceeded to slap me and scream "how could you do this to me?"
Yup. The stress of living with my mother was often unbearable during my teens. She perceived any difference in taste or opinion as a direct insult, and responded as such.
Blech, I feel you, re: the scene in the store. I don’t know how many times my mother raged in public because she perceived some “microaggression” or some shit, either from me, or more likely some poor employee. It was humiliating, listening to her accusations and watching the reactions of others to her bullshit. I’d always get punished after for not “supporting her” (meaning joining in and defending her), which was apparently humiliating to *her.* The irony of it was completely lost on her.
It's unbearable, as you said. The humiliation of watching the world watch her; I wanted to burrow into the earth and die. I can still see the image of her dunking my shitty underwear in and out of the toilet, crying and screaming at me at the same time. Asking me how I could humiliate her this way in front of the entire world.
And they said "Mommie Dearest" was over the top. It would be funny if it weren't perverse.
You can't bring friends home. You have to lie to other grown-ups and say your mother "isn't feeling well" if they're coming over.
I remember watching Mommie Dearest the first time on HBO, when I was around 9 or 10. I alternated between rolling my eyes, cringing hard, and laughing my ass off. None of it seemed made up or like an exaggeration, lol. Even then I recognized how utterly fucked up my situation was.
I actually thought it was meant to be a comedy. I’m still not 100% on that.
I watched it again recently with my husband. He’d never seen it before, but he knew my mom, and he knew I used examples from the movie when I would attempt to describe how bad she could get when I was young. He’s a soft hearted guy, so he was property angry and sad. I had pretty much the same reaction I had the first time, as a kid.
I found several Anne Murray albums in the "album holder" of my mom's Zenith stereo console when we moved it to my daughter's apartment. We eventually gave the albums to my now daughter-in-law who covets old music albums for her vintage record player. She loves music that is, well, "musical". A ballerina and self-taught pianist, she loves music that "speaks to your soul".
And now I'm remembering my mom and the amazing voice she had. The nuns trained her well. My mom's voice was unmistakable during the singing of hymns at church. I miss her. You never know how or when you'll run across something that stirs up good memories. Thank you for writing this, for sharing parts of you, Josh.
❤️ Pretty sure Mom's was a '74. She used to work at a consumer electronics distributorship and Zenith was a mainstay brand. Dad said "no". Mom bought it anyway. She was like that, lol.
There are a couple of Anne Murray songs that I haven't been able to listen to since my Mother died three years ago. Her music ties me to a time when Mom was young, happy, and whole and I'm just not ready. Nonetheless, here I sit crying listening to this one. What a beautiful voice.
Narcissistic mothers do tend to be good with babies and small children, from what I’ve read. My own experience with a borderline, narcissistic mother supported the theory, as well. The turn started happened when I turned 7... the age where children start breaking away from mom to explore their environment and get to know Dad. It got WAY worse when I started going through adolescence. It makes sense when you consider that narcissism cannot tolerate any difference, right? I wasn’t going to grow up to be just like HER, so I was a problem that needed to be fixed. Heaven forbid I be anything like my dad, lol. She used that as an insult when she was frustrated: “You’re just like your father!” (Yes, he was still around. He just wasn’t “allowed” to interact with me much. That marriage is it’s own story)
AAAAANYWAY... sorry, tangent.
I know it’s dark now, Josh. I get depressed about it too. Anyone with genuine emotional depth has got to be suffering right now. Meanwhile big, fake displays of histrionic nonsense are expected to be taken at face value. It’s a very unfunny joke. All that said, though, it *is* getting better. You know that, because you spend as much time online as I do. I’m not saying the work is done, or even that we can back off a little. I’m saying that people are waking up and they are confused and angry. They are looking for information now, and we have the opportunity to inform them. Already I’ve gained so much support in the small circles I’m in on FB, and there has been incredible gratitude from both strangers and friends (not the idiots that abandoned me, but I didn’t and don’t expect them to ever apologize or seek me out again, out of embarrassment. Fine with me).
It *is* happening. I know you feel it. Trust that feeling, but don’t stop doing the work. I’ll be right beside you. We can do this. We *are* doing it.
I just thought of something that might help: Medieval art was generally crap.
No academic art historian would want to say it out loud, but it REALLY was. SO BAD. In fact, I don’t even need to describe how bad it was, do I? You already know, because humans have an aesthetic sense. That sense can be pretty broad, especially amongst artistic types themselves, but doesn’t easily forgive bad anatomy or bad perspective. You can explain the choice of style (they were more concerned with telling a story) but it’s still bad.
Or was it? Could it be the case that *survivorship bias* colors our perception of Medieval art?
My point (and I do have one) is that it wasn’t the end of good art. In fact, the Renaissance produced a significant proportion of the artworks we consider classics today. Someone had to be making the good stuff, right? It’s just that the vast majority of the art we have from the period was religious, and was meant to be functional first, beautiful second, and accurate last. A population of illiterate serfs and their families needed things kept simple and easy to follow; the art on the walls of churches depicted Biblical events, like a comic book. The focus was on *actions* rather than likeness or realism.
A lot of the really good artwork being produced right now is in video games, believe it or not. I watch playthroughs all the time, because I’m an artist myself and I really enjoy seeing what people are creating. I feel confident saying that, just like with visual art, good music is being made, it just doesn’t enjoy the promotion that the boring, derivative, untalented shit does, because the mainstream music industry are cowards, along with most other entertainment industries. They are so scared of anything that isn’t a guaranteed blockbuster that they keep pushing stuff that is either subpar or thoroughly played out. That doesn’t mean there aren’t better options.
As an aside, I do love me some good easy listening love songs from the 70s and 80s, though. My mom was a musician and played music pretty much everywhere, all the time. Wherever she could, she added a soundtrack to our lives. So I have a head full of older music (and show tunes). That might have bothered some kids, but I enjoyed it.
Don’t despair. The artists aren’t gone. Once we get through this current attack on our reality, or at least stabilize enough that “trans” aren’t allowed to bulldoze over everyone else, I bet we’ll see some truly deep and meaningful works. Artists generally don’t produce much under stress, but that same stress produces some amazing things once the artist feels stabilized. I predict (woo woo) that even now, people are forming alternative means of getting works out to the public. So much of our infrastructure and or media has failed us, and in so many stupid and avoidable ways. People are working to fix it. You’re already part of that.
I've really been feeling this lately. I've started buying copies of favorite books (mostly childhood ones, but others as well) when I find them at Goodwill or other thrift stores. I want to get a record player and start buying records, too. And I love this song - thanks for sharing it.
Had lunch today with a couple of women friends. We talked of how fortunate we were to grow up when we did-the freedoms we enjoyed. One says she doesn’t watch any new tv. Instead she watches Leave it to Beaver, Donna Reed, Andy Griffith-fantasies of life back in the day. We all listen to the music of our youth. Are we living in the past? Sometimes. And those times make us happy.
Thank you for sharing that song. It has been ages since I listened to it. I will now add it to my playlist.
Songs like this bring about nostalgia from the 1960s as a small child standing on the floor of the front seat of my mom's car looking over the dash as she drove around on errands listening to the radio. While this song was from 1972, when I was 9, and thus had graduated to sitting in the seat (but without a seatbelt!), every once in a while I'll hear a song from the 1960s and there I am again a small child hearing a song for the first time. Honestly, I can't think of any artist other than Taylor Swift that has produced beautiful music in the 21st century.
I went back to listen to Anne Murray’s beautiful rendition after reading your post, Josh. Thanks for urging us. What heavenly harmony and melody. We forget, sometimes, and need the gentle push back to beauty.
It's a "good voice" day for me. Wish I knew what makes that happen. I just sang along to this (one octave lower, of course) and I can produce the lowest note clearly without cheating or warbling. Yesterday I couldn't.
I was reading back over these comments as I often do, and I noticed I didn’t make my comment clear as it could be. I’m asking because I’m wondering if you are aware of warming up exercises you can do that will help you have many more “good voice” days. If you were in music or drama classes, you might already be familiar.
Anyway, that’s presuming you want to have more good voice days!
I should do some of those; I'm thinking of taking voice lessons but there's a lot I could probably do on my own. Do you recommend any particular technique/teacher/Youtuber?
I don’t have anybody to recommend, unfortunately. I just grew up in a musical family, and spent a lot of time rehearsing and performing. Your description of “good voice day” was just a very familiar feeling to me. If you enjoy singing I highly recommend finding a good voice coach! You’ll surprise yourself with how naturally it comes to you :)
I'll be amazed if anyone can teach me to control my vibrato. It's something approaching "pleasing and clear" at some of my range, and a warble elsewhere.
*nods* That’s normal, and exactly what a coach can help you with. Every vocalist has a “trouble spot,” usually more than one. The point where we shift from falsetto to non falsetto, and vice versa, is a notorious one.
I recommend a coach specifically because you don’t need to see them more than once a week, but the amount of personalized insight and intuitive instruction they can offer will make the whole thing go much faster and with much less frustration. They can set up your “homework” to address things you need to work on and avoid redundancy. If you’re not fluent in written music, that’s okay too, just let them know. I don’t get the impression you’re a technical learner as much as an intuitive one anyway, so it seems likely you’ll pick that up easily as you work on your voice (adding that part because I had some music instructors that were obsessed with that, never mind that I had perfect pitch, and could pick up melodies and even create harmony after hearing a piece once. Just a fundamental lack of understanding for how I learned. There’s never any reason to put off singing or other musical expression just because you’re not familiar with the notation. You might not have those worries).
Well yay! I hope you pursue it, if that’s something that you think would help you build your voice. I still have musical friends, of course, and some have made music their profession. If I can remember, next time I talk to them, I’ll ask if they have any particular methods or approaches they like. Then if I can remember THAT, I’ll share what they say, if they have suggestions.
Just to add: I get it if you’d rather do it on your own! That’s my current preference for pretty much everything just because I’m a weird old recluse, lol. Sometimes you just dont Want to deal with strange people.
This was my mother’s song.
Thank you 🥲 I love this version for the same reasons and now I need a tissue!
Hit me right in the guts in a good way, still strum this song on guitar.
Bring it when you visit; let's practice harmonizing.
Thanks for sharing this - gorgeous song, always makes me cry. I like the Kenny Loggins version too. I'm with you about what's going on in the culture. My solution is to flee to an older culture, by moving abroad to my ancestral country. I know not everyone has that option, but if I didn't, I think I would try to create our own older culture around me as much as possible. Kind of like what you do with the oil lamps. I would take that spirit and just build my life out of it.
Much love, brother. Trust that your voice is reverberating around our collective consciousness and you will have many children.
I too have noticed that women with PDs are often great with babies. I wonder if it's just biology keeping them on the straight and narrow for a temporary period of time.
Up until around age seven, children idolize and emulate their mother. It’s a biological imperative that evolved as the best option for humans during the most vulnerable period of their lives. It’s a perfect source for narcissistic supply.
Yes. Seven is the age when I remember the occasional outbursts of temper becoming "normal." I shit my pants by accident in the store and my mother pulled me by the shirt collar screaming at me in the store into the bathroom, where she proceeded to slap me and scream "how could you do this to me?"
Adolescence got worse.
Yup. The stress of living with my mother was often unbearable during my teens. She perceived any difference in taste or opinion as a direct insult, and responded as such.
Blech, I feel you, re: the scene in the store. I don’t know how many times my mother raged in public because she perceived some “microaggression” or some shit, either from me, or more likely some poor employee. It was humiliating, listening to her accusations and watching the reactions of others to her bullshit. I’d always get punished after for not “supporting her” (meaning joining in and defending her), which was apparently humiliating to *her.* The irony of it was completely lost on her.
It's unbearable, as you said. The humiliation of watching the world watch her; I wanted to burrow into the earth and die. I can still see the image of her dunking my shitty underwear in and out of the toilet, crying and screaming at me at the same time. Asking me how I could humiliate her this way in front of the entire world.
And they said "Mommie Dearest" was over the top. It would be funny if it weren't perverse.
You can't bring friends home. You have to lie to other grown-ups and say your mother "isn't feeling well" if they're coming over.
I remember watching Mommie Dearest the first time on HBO, when I was around 9 or 10. I alternated between rolling my eyes, cringing hard, and laughing my ass off. None of it seemed made up or like an exaggeration, lol. Even then I recognized how utterly fucked up my situation was.
I actually thought it was meant to be a comedy. I’m still not 100% on that.
I watched it again recently with my husband. He’d never seen it before, but he knew my mom, and he knew I used examples from the movie when I would attempt to describe how bad she could get when I was young. He’s a soft hearted guy, so he was property angry and sad. I had pretty much the same reaction I had the first time, as a kid.
Yes. My sister and I watched it when mother wasn't around and it was on HBO. Transfixed. Obviously for me, that lasted.
I can't count how many kids from homes like ours have said the exact same thing.
My mother wore an obvious wig fora loooong time. I had to toughen up and get funny, or die of cumulative embarrassment trauma.
Oh my god. She's a Disney villainess.
I found several Anne Murray albums in the "album holder" of my mom's Zenith stereo console when we moved it to my daughter's apartment. We eventually gave the albums to my now daughter-in-law who covets old music albums for her vintage record player. She loves music that is, well, "musical". A ballerina and self-taught pianist, she loves music that "speaks to your soul".
And now I'm remembering my mom and the amazing voice she had. The nuns trained her well. My mom's voice was unmistakable during the singing of hymns at church. I miss her. You never know how or when you'll run across something that stirs up good memories. Thank you for writing this, for sharing parts of you, Josh.
KBI, I'm sitting in front of a 1971 Zenith console where all my albums are played:)
❤️ Pretty sure Mom's was a '74. She used to work at a consumer electronics distributorship and Zenith was a mainstay brand. Dad said "no". Mom bought it anyway. She was like that, lol.
"The quality goes in before the name goes on." 😉
There are a couple of Anne Murray songs that I haven't been able to listen to since my Mother died three years ago. Her music ties me to a time when Mom was young, happy, and whole and I'm just not ready. Nonetheless, here I sit crying listening to this one. What a beautiful voice.
I’m so sorry for your loss. There are a few of my mother’s favorites that I can’t listen to without crying. Someday. Maybe.
I hope you have a serene day.
Narcissistic mothers do tend to be good with babies and small children, from what I’ve read. My own experience with a borderline, narcissistic mother supported the theory, as well. The turn started happened when I turned 7... the age where children start breaking away from mom to explore their environment and get to know Dad. It got WAY worse when I started going through adolescence. It makes sense when you consider that narcissism cannot tolerate any difference, right? I wasn’t going to grow up to be just like HER, so I was a problem that needed to be fixed. Heaven forbid I be anything like my dad, lol. She used that as an insult when she was frustrated: “You’re just like your father!” (Yes, he was still around. He just wasn’t “allowed” to interact with me much. That marriage is it’s own story)
AAAAANYWAY... sorry, tangent.
I know it’s dark now, Josh. I get depressed about it too. Anyone with genuine emotional depth has got to be suffering right now. Meanwhile big, fake displays of histrionic nonsense are expected to be taken at face value. It’s a very unfunny joke. All that said, though, it *is* getting better. You know that, because you spend as much time online as I do. I’m not saying the work is done, or even that we can back off a little. I’m saying that people are waking up and they are confused and angry. They are looking for information now, and we have the opportunity to inform them. Already I’ve gained so much support in the small circles I’m in on FB, and there has been incredible gratitude from both strangers and friends (not the idiots that abandoned me, but I didn’t and don’t expect them to ever apologize or seek me out again, out of embarrassment. Fine with me).
It *is* happening. I know you feel it. Trust that feeling, but don’t stop doing the work. I’ll be right beside you. We can do this. We *are* doing it.
I just thought of something that might help: Medieval art was generally crap.
No academic art historian would want to say it out loud, but it REALLY was. SO BAD. In fact, I don’t even need to describe how bad it was, do I? You already know, because humans have an aesthetic sense. That sense can be pretty broad, especially amongst artistic types themselves, but doesn’t easily forgive bad anatomy or bad perspective. You can explain the choice of style (they were more concerned with telling a story) but it’s still bad.
Or was it? Could it be the case that *survivorship bias* colors our perception of Medieval art?
My point (and I do have one) is that it wasn’t the end of good art. In fact, the Renaissance produced a significant proportion of the artworks we consider classics today. Someone had to be making the good stuff, right? It’s just that the vast majority of the art we have from the period was religious, and was meant to be functional first, beautiful second, and accurate last. A population of illiterate serfs and their families needed things kept simple and easy to follow; the art on the walls of churches depicted Biblical events, like a comic book. The focus was on *actions* rather than likeness or realism.
A lot of the really good artwork being produced right now is in video games, believe it or not. I watch playthroughs all the time, because I’m an artist myself and I really enjoy seeing what people are creating. I feel confident saying that, just like with visual art, good music is being made, it just doesn’t enjoy the promotion that the boring, derivative, untalented shit does, because the mainstream music industry are cowards, along with most other entertainment industries. They are so scared of anything that isn’t a guaranteed blockbuster that they keep pushing stuff that is either subpar or thoroughly played out. That doesn’t mean there aren’t better options.
As an aside, I do love me some good easy listening love songs from the 70s and 80s, though. My mom was a musician and played music pretty much everywhere, all the time. Wherever she could, she added a soundtrack to our lives. So I have a head full of older music (and show tunes). That might have bothered some kids, but I enjoyed it.
Don’t despair. The artists aren’t gone. Once we get through this current attack on our reality, or at least stabilize enough that “trans” aren’t allowed to bulldoze over everyone else, I bet we’ll see some truly deep and meaningful works. Artists generally don’t produce much under stress, but that same stress produces some amazing things once the artist feels stabilized. I predict (woo woo) that even now, people are forming alternative means of getting works out to the public. So much of our infrastructure and or media has failed us, and in so many stupid and avoidable ways. People are working to fix it. You’re already part of that.
I've really been feeling this lately. I've started buying copies of favorite books (mostly childhood ones, but others as well) when I find them at Goodwill or other thrift stores. I want to get a record player and start buying records, too. And I love this song - thanks for sharing it.
Had lunch today with a couple of women friends. We talked of how fortunate we were to grow up when we did-the freedoms we enjoyed. One says she doesn’t watch any new tv. Instead she watches Leave it to Beaver, Donna Reed, Andy Griffith-fantasies of life back in the day. We all listen to the music of our youth. Are we living in the past? Sometimes. And those times make us happy.
Thank you for sharing that song. It has been ages since I listened to it. I will now add it to my playlist.
Songs like this bring about nostalgia from the 1960s as a small child standing on the floor of the front seat of my mom's car looking over the dash as she drove around on errands listening to the radio. While this song was from 1972, when I was 9, and thus had graduated to sitting in the seat (but without a seatbelt!), every once in a while I'll hear a song from the 1960s and there I am again a small child hearing a song for the first time. Honestly, I can't think of any artist other than Taylor Swift that has produced beautiful music in the 21st century.
I went back to listen to Anne Murray’s beautiful rendition after reading your post, Josh. Thanks for urging us. What heavenly harmony and melody. We forget, sometimes, and need the gentle push back to beauty.
It's a "good voice" day for me. Wish I knew what makes that happen. I just sang along to this (one octave lower, of course) and I can produce the lowest note clearly without cheating or warbling. Yesterday I couldn't.
Were you ever in any choirs/chorus, through school or church, etc?
I was reading back over these comments as I often do, and I noticed I didn’t make my comment clear as it could be. I’m asking because I’m wondering if you are aware of warming up exercises you can do that will help you have many more “good voice” days. If you were in music or drama classes, you might already be familiar.
Anyway, that’s presuming you want to have more good voice days!
I should do some of those; I'm thinking of taking voice lessons but there's a lot I could probably do on my own. Do you recommend any particular technique/teacher/Youtuber?
I don’t have anybody to recommend, unfortunately. I just grew up in a musical family, and spent a lot of time rehearsing and performing. Your description of “good voice day” was just a very familiar feeling to me. If you enjoy singing I highly recommend finding a good voice coach! You’ll surprise yourself with how naturally it comes to you :)
I'll be amazed if anyone can teach me to control my vibrato. It's something approaching "pleasing and clear" at some of my range, and a warble elsewhere.
*nods* That’s normal, and exactly what a coach can help you with. Every vocalist has a “trouble spot,” usually more than one. The point where we shift from falsetto to non falsetto, and vice versa, is a notorious one.
I recommend a coach specifically because you don’t need to see them more than once a week, but the amount of personalized insight and intuitive instruction they can offer will make the whole thing go much faster and with much less frustration. They can set up your “homework” to address things you need to work on and avoid redundancy. If you’re not fluent in written music, that’s okay too, just let them know. I don’t get the impression you’re a technical learner as much as an intuitive one anyway, so it seems likely you’ll pick that up easily as you work on your voice (adding that part because I had some music instructors that were obsessed with that, never mind that I had perfect pitch, and could pick up melodies and even create harmony after hearing a piece once. Just a fundamental lack of understanding for how I learned. There’s never any reason to put off singing or other musical expression just because you’re not familiar with the notation. You might not have those worries).
Well yay! I hope you pursue it, if that’s something that you think would help you build your voice. I still have musical friends, of course, and some have made music their profession. If I can remember, next time I talk to them, I’ll ask if they have any particular methods or approaches they like. Then if I can remember THAT, I’ll share what they say, if they have suggestions.
Just to add: I get it if you’d rather do it on your own! That’s my current preference for pretty much everything just because I’m a weird old recluse, lol. Sometimes you just dont Want to deal with strange people.