She sat in the padded rocking chair with the cushions wearing a crumpled face full of tears. Shoulders drooping, head cast down. "I just don't feel I have anything to live for," she sobbed, looking up at me. Expectantly? My mother liked to threaten suicide by implication. She was clever enough to always have plausible deniability. She never directly said, "I'm going to kill myself."
You acted swiftly to protect the vulnerable in your community, and handled this individual with a level of mastery I aspire to have. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Josh. I’m having to think hard and honestly about why, and how, I’ve confused being a narcissistic enabler with “being a good and generous person.” I also have to consider why it’s so important to me to be funny, and why I have all my life assumed funny - or talented or compelling - people are good. So this was a great read at the right time.♥️
I'm not the product of a damaged childhood. It was not Brady Bunch perfect but close enough. Which brings me to the interesting point you make about acting out of sympathy. I very rarely extend the hand of friendship, but when I do, it's generally to someone I perceive as competent at the life thing. No soothing. No saving. And when I let you in, I am your friend.
But guess what? I managed to get tangled up with a Borderline. In fact, she became my best friend. And I went full bore on the fixer. As. If. I had realized before that that I had had to work really, really hard at not being *that* parent to my two kids. You know, the helicopter, swooping in, fixing all the bumps they encountered, idiot parent. It's hard even now that they are adults not to swoop in and fix.
A narcissistic parent didn't make me into a fixer, yet somehow I managed to be one. But after extricating myself from that borderline friendship, I think my fixer days, at least where new friendships might happen, have been cured. Whereas before it was simply whether I wished to "unhermit" myself and step outside of my self-imposed solitude, now I am leary about extending a hand. But when I do, I am way better at setting boundaries right from the beginning.
Perhaps at heart you are a fixer? Even without an abusive mother forcing you into that role, you might have been someone who wanted to fix others' problems. You'll never know of course; but I think the fact that you survived that hellish childhood and are now engaged the way you are, helping others the way you are, says something about your innate personality. You didn’t have the nurture, but your nature as a kind, understanding, sympathetic person is part of who you are. And now, now you know how - and that you need - to protect that person. Even if sometimes "Gary" experiences "push [you] to be even harder, less charitable, and less willing to give people a chance", at heart you still are kind and charitable. You just recognize that sometimes you can't be that person with certain other people. And you're helping other people realize this, too. ❤️
Thank you for telling that story---it's good to have an "outsider's" perspective. It's easy to forget that it's not all "my trauma" for any of us, the things we do. Sometimes they just happen, I suppose. Or we're just "that way."
My identical twin sister, who is developmentally delayed, has some borderline personality behaviors. I've had to learn not to engage with her narcissistic attempts to gain sympathy. Her strategy is to berate herself, hoping I will jump in and make excuses for her or insist she's nothing like the claims she's making against herself. When she starts in I ignore it and change the subject. After many failed attempts at trying to reassure her and give her positive feedback, I've learned that boundaries have to be firmly set or she will get the better of me. It's not easy, but she's had a lifetime of people feeling pity for her and letting her engage in negative behavior because of it. I finally learned not to be one of them, for my sake and hers. Thanks for sharing your experience.
This is excellent. I'm so looking forward to your life becoming your own, so you can write more.
You acted swiftly to protect the vulnerable in your community, and handled this individual with a level of mastery I aspire to have. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Josh. I’m having to think hard and honestly about why, and how, I’ve confused being a narcissistic enabler with “being a good and generous person.” I also have to consider why it’s so important to me to be funny, and why I have all my life assumed funny - or talented or compelling - people are good. So this was a great read at the right time.♥️
... I meant “always good.” Often, they are! But talent and character are separate.
I'm not the product of a damaged childhood. It was not Brady Bunch perfect but close enough. Which brings me to the interesting point you make about acting out of sympathy. I very rarely extend the hand of friendship, but when I do, it's generally to someone I perceive as competent at the life thing. No soothing. No saving. And when I let you in, I am your friend.
But guess what? I managed to get tangled up with a Borderline. In fact, she became my best friend. And I went full bore on the fixer. As. If. I had realized before that that I had had to work really, really hard at not being *that* parent to my two kids. You know, the helicopter, swooping in, fixing all the bumps they encountered, idiot parent. It's hard even now that they are adults not to swoop in and fix.
A narcissistic parent didn't make me into a fixer, yet somehow I managed to be one. But after extricating myself from that borderline friendship, I think my fixer days, at least where new friendships might happen, have been cured. Whereas before it was simply whether I wished to "unhermit" myself and step outside of my self-imposed solitude, now I am leary about extending a hand. But when I do, I am way better at setting boundaries right from the beginning.
Perhaps at heart you are a fixer? Even without an abusive mother forcing you into that role, you might have been someone who wanted to fix others' problems. You'll never know of course; but I think the fact that you survived that hellish childhood and are now engaged the way you are, helping others the way you are, says something about your innate personality. You didn’t have the nurture, but your nature as a kind, understanding, sympathetic person is part of who you are. And now, now you know how - and that you need - to protect that person. Even if sometimes "Gary" experiences "push [you] to be even harder, less charitable, and less willing to give people a chance", at heart you still are kind and charitable. You just recognize that sometimes you can't be that person with certain other people. And you're helping other people realize this, too. ❤️
Your kind words are making me blush.
Thank you for telling that story---it's good to have an "outsider's" perspective. It's easy to forget that it's not all "my trauma" for any of us, the things we do. Sometimes they just happen, I suppose. Or we're just "that way."
My identical twin sister, who is developmentally delayed, has some borderline personality behaviors. I've had to learn not to engage with her narcissistic attempts to gain sympathy. Her strategy is to berate herself, hoping I will jump in and make excuses for her or insist she's nothing like the claims she's making against herself. When she starts in I ignore it and change the subject. After many failed attempts at trying to reassure her and give her positive feedback, I've learned that boundaries have to be firmly set or she will get the better of me. It's not easy, but she's had a lifetime of people feeling pity for her and letting her engage in negative behavior because of it. I finally learned not to be one of them, for my sake and hers. Thanks for sharing your experience.
This is very, very perceptive & very, very good. I have only fallen for one such person in my life, and my goodness was that a lesson to me.