So if I just became a subscriber and paid for the year already, would I still cancel be refunded and then purchase again for the year at the lower rate? A little confused…
I believe that is the case. I wish that Substack's interface and explanations were more clear than they are and that I could give you a definite "yes."
I suggest giving that a try. If you have trouble, and find that you have not been refunded as you expected *email me at admin at disaffected dot com*. Please note that carefully---use that email address, and be sure to email rather than leaving a comment that I might miss.
Josh and Kevin, I value both of you and you are well worth the full price!
Josh, I am going through a very bad time right now and would appreciate any advice. My mother in law came to live with us a couple of months ago. She is in the early stages of dementia. I was doing ok-ish until she started thinking we were stealing from her (we have paid for everything except the bills she has from before living with us, including her Depends, some medical, medical aids, etc) and then a couple of days ago poisoning her and wanted to go see the police(she was diagnosed later that day with an UTI). She now denies she said any of this except seeing the police which she says is her own business.
I feel broken and I do not like my responses to her. I am not the person I should be. I have been on dementia sites but have not found them particularly helpful. If you or your readers have any advice I would much appreciate it. Sorry to interject this here but my depression, disgust with myself and my antipathy towards her are overwhelming me right now.
I'm very sorry to hear this. From watching other people in this situation, it's clear that a relative with dementia is one of the most difficult things when you're a caregiver. People's personalities change, they can become paranoid, they can believe their family is trying to harm them in some way. These are all sadly common for families.
Perhaps some other readers who've been there can offer some more direct advice; I don't have personal experience with this situation. But I can suggest trying to find ways to remember that what your mother in law is saying is not about you. It is not personal. It's the disease.
I wish you luck, and I'm grateful for your support.
What a tough situation you are in! I feel so bad for you and can only imagine my own response if I were in a predicament like yours. As Josh says, it isn't personal, but you are a feeling human being and it must be very difficult to deal with the behavior, and whether it's meant personally or not, doesn't remove the hardship and resentment that can't help but rear up often.
You may be faced with a decision you and your husband may not want to make, if only to preserve your own well-being, which might be to turn to a facility that has a specially designated area for the dementia stricken. I honestly can't say whether this will be easier on you or not, but if you have a place like that near enough so that you can visit frequently, I can tell you from personal past experience working as a companion for two ladies that were in nursing homes, frequent family/friend/companion visits is a pretty sure way of keeping the nurses and staff on their toes and mindful of their behavior and duties.
Wishing you all the fortitude and calm you need to help you get through this, and offer my personal admiration for taking on this difficult task. 🙏
I've been there, with one small change. It was my mom. I'm not sure if the fact that it is your mother-in-law makes it emotionally and mentally worse - or better - to cope with and manage. I loved my mother-in-law, but not in the same way I loved my mom. Perhaps that is a place to start. Examine the feelings you had about your MiL before this recent spiral occurred. Be honest with yourself. Were there any unresolved issues, conflicts, sources of contention - small though they may have been? Could her current behavior have triggered you in some way? If there were issues, forgive her - and yourself. If not, sadly that may make this even more difficult, but it is also a reason for you to have feelings and thoughts that are all in a jumble. First and foremost you have to find a way to truly accept that this is a completely new, and difficult, relationship journey you are embarking on. From experience, I can tell you, though, that there will be moments of fun and laughter - embrace them! - and over time, with acceptance, strength to cope and peace in the doing. Extend grace to your MiL - she is unbecoming the person you have known - and to yourself. This road is damn hard - for everyone involved.
Josh is correct about personality changes. They will come, and they will make you sad and angry and irritated and a host of other feelings - that are normal. You are now in the process of saying a long goodbye in a way that no one should ever have to do. But, it is also an opportunity for growth. Crap way to grow your heart and soul, but you can come out on the other side of it with newfound insights and appreciation for life around you. It's not easy; it is doable. While you are in the midst of it, though, not going to lie - it's rough. Lean on your faith, your friends, your significant other - and look for and access services that might be available in your area to assist you. Let yourself cry when you need to. Ask for help before you get to your wit's end. A care giver must take care of themselves, too.
That UTI? For elderly women especially, that is a near constant thing; and that can cause the angry outbursts, paranoia, and other personality changes. Don't discount that. You may want to put mom on a d-mannose/cranberry extract type supplement to try and short-circuit that awfulness. Constant antibiotics, often useless because of resistant bacterial strains, cause other unpleasant issues. Stay on top of this and realize that if "mom" is particularly cantankerous or is doing okay and then suddenly isn't, it may be a UTI.
My mom knew what was happening to her - until she no longer did. That period of time, that knowing - that was the worst for her and for us. I like to think that telling her that her brain might forget us but her heart never would gave her some measure of peace. And even to the very end, I know her heart always knew me.
I am sorry that you and your family must make this journey. May all of you find the strength and comfort you need to walk this long goodbye, and when the journey is done, may you all find peace. 🙏
What beautiful advice from someone who knows. Yes, I am struggling as I know in my heart she is. We had a good relationship for 25 years. Someone just told me that she had said I was her best friend. As I am older than my husband my mother in law is just 11 years older than me. Your advice and insights are valuable and I will come back and read them when I need the reminders. Thank you.
Of course, I don’t know if it would apply to your situation or in what capacity it could, but it is something I’ve witnessed myself. I wish it were more widely known. In my opinion, any information we can get is helpful and may be useful.
To add a thought to the excellent others, consider finding a daycare experience for her; or respite care. It may give you both room to breathe. After all, maintaining your health is imperative when you are a caregiver.
Soon that will be a necessity as I have my own health issues. Getting her to go anywhere like that might be difficult but having someone come in would be wonderful.
*Josh, I’ve recently subscribed to Rob Henderson’s Substack and at the top of his page there is a link for “Book a meeting”. It appears one can book (buy) a 30-minute meeting with Mr. Henderson to discuss related ideas. Perhaps this is a revenue route you might try?
Josh & Kevin, thank you for the promo pricing. I tried to do this on the App, but it indicated not possible on the App. Now that I'm at my laptop, I cannot tell if I already have a subscription. Please advise. Thank you for your time to reply.
So if I just became a subscriber and paid for the year already, would I still cancel be refunded and then purchase again for the year at the lower rate? A little confused…
Thanks in advance for any and all help
I believe that is the case. I wish that Substack's interface and explanations were more clear than they are and that I could give you a definite "yes."
I suggest giving that a try. If you have trouble, and find that you have not been refunded as you expected *email me at admin at disaffected dot com*. Please note that carefully---use that email address, and be sure to email rather than leaving a comment that I might miss.
Thank you for your support!
Thank you!
Josh and Kevin, I value both of you and you are well worth the full price!
Josh, I am going through a very bad time right now and would appreciate any advice. My mother in law came to live with us a couple of months ago. She is in the early stages of dementia. I was doing ok-ish until she started thinking we were stealing from her (we have paid for everything except the bills she has from before living with us, including her Depends, some medical, medical aids, etc) and then a couple of days ago poisoning her and wanted to go see the police(she was diagnosed later that day with an UTI). She now denies she said any of this except seeing the police which she says is her own business.
I feel broken and I do not like my responses to her. I am not the person I should be. I have been on dementia sites but have not found them particularly helpful. If you or your readers have any advice I would much appreciate it. Sorry to interject this here but my depression, disgust with myself and my antipathy towards her are overwhelming me right now.
I'm very sorry to hear this. From watching other people in this situation, it's clear that a relative with dementia is one of the most difficult things when you're a caregiver. People's personalities change, they can become paranoid, they can believe their family is trying to harm them in some way. These are all sadly common for families.
Perhaps some other readers who've been there can offer some more direct advice; I don't have personal experience with this situation. But I can suggest trying to find ways to remember that what your mother in law is saying is not about you. It is not personal. It's the disease.
I wish you luck, and I'm grateful for your support.
Thank you, my head knows this but my heart has not come around yet.
What a tough situation you are in! I feel so bad for you and can only imagine my own response if I were in a predicament like yours. As Josh says, it isn't personal, but you are a feeling human being and it must be very difficult to deal with the behavior, and whether it's meant personally or not, doesn't remove the hardship and resentment that can't help but rear up often.
You may be faced with a decision you and your husband may not want to make, if only to preserve your own well-being, which might be to turn to a facility that has a specially designated area for the dementia stricken. I honestly can't say whether this will be easier on you or not, but if you have a place like that near enough so that you can visit frequently, I can tell you from personal past experience working as a companion for two ladies that were in nursing homes, frequent family/friend/companion visits is a pretty sure way of keeping the nurses and staff on their toes and mindful of their behavior and duties.
Wishing you all the fortitude and calm you need to help you get through this, and offer my personal admiration for taking on this difficult task. 🙏
Thank you. I deeply appreciate your words as I know from your past posts that you are a sincere caring person.
If I may say, it takes one to know one. All the best, and may the blessings you bestow come back to you multiplied.
I've been there, with one small change. It was my mom. I'm not sure if the fact that it is your mother-in-law makes it emotionally and mentally worse - or better - to cope with and manage. I loved my mother-in-law, but not in the same way I loved my mom. Perhaps that is a place to start. Examine the feelings you had about your MiL before this recent spiral occurred. Be honest with yourself. Were there any unresolved issues, conflicts, sources of contention - small though they may have been? Could her current behavior have triggered you in some way? If there were issues, forgive her - and yourself. If not, sadly that may make this even more difficult, but it is also a reason for you to have feelings and thoughts that are all in a jumble. First and foremost you have to find a way to truly accept that this is a completely new, and difficult, relationship journey you are embarking on. From experience, I can tell you, though, that there will be moments of fun and laughter - embrace them! - and over time, with acceptance, strength to cope and peace in the doing. Extend grace to your MiL - she is unbecoming the person you have known - and to yourself. This road is damn hard - for everyone involved.
Josh is correct about personality changes. They will come, and they will make you sad and angry and irritated and a host of other feelings - that are normal. You are now in the process of saying a long goodbye in a way that no one should ever have to do. But, it is also an opportunity for growth. Crap way to grow your heart and soul, but you can come out on the other side of it with newfound insights and appreciation for life around you. It's not easy; it is doable. While you are in the midst of it, though, not going to lie - it's rough. Lean on your faith, your friends, your significant other - and look for and access services that might be available in your area to assist you. Let yourself cry when you need to. Ask for help before you get to your wit's end. A care giver must take care of themselves, too.
That UTI? For elderly women especially, that is a near constant thing; and that can cause the angry outbursts, paranoia, and other personality changes. Don't discount that. You may want to put mom on a d-mannose/cranberry extract type supplement to try and short-circuit that awfulness. Constant antibiotics, often useless because of resistant bacterial strains, cause other unpleasant issues. Stay on top of this and realize that if "mom" is particularly cantankerous or is doing okay and then suddenly isn't, it may be a UTI.
My mom knew what was happening to her - until she no longer did. That period of time, that knowing - that was the worst for her and for us. I like to think that telling her that her brain might forget us but her heart never would gave her some measure of peace. And even to the very end, I know her heart always knew me.
I am sorry that you and your family must make this journey. May all of you find the strength and comfort you need to walk this long goodbye, and when the journey is done, may you all find peace. 🙏
What beautiful advice from someone who knows. Yes, I am struggling as I know in my heart she is. We had a good relationship for 25 years. Someone just told me that she had said I was her best friend. As I am older than my husband my mother in law is just 11 years older than me. Your advice and insights are valuable and I will come back and read them when I need the reminders. Thank you.
To second what kbi said, UTIs have been known to cause behavioral changes in those with dementia that can reverse with treatment for the UTI:
https://www.alz.org/blog/alz/october_2011/sudden_change_in_behavior_urinary_tract_infection
Of course, I don’t know if it would apply to your situation or in what capacity it could, but it is something I’ve witnessed myself. I wish it were more widely known. In my opinion, any information we can get is helpful and may be useful.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you , and thanks for the link.
To add a thought to the excellent others, consider finding a daycare experience for her; or respite care. It may give you both room to breathe. After all, maintaining your health is imperative when you are a caregiver.
Soon that will be a necessity as I have my own health issues. Getting her to go anywhere like that might be difficult but having someone come in would be wonderful.
As long as you keep your big mouth going against the insane evil narcissists aka Cluster B you got my ten bucks a month.
Didn't work for me. Only offers $10 per month or $100 per year. I'll give it a while and check back again.
Should be fixed now. Sorry about that, Jim.
No problem. I am an annual subscriber now! Thanks.
Thank YOU sir!
Josh, I'm not interested in the lower rate. You and Kevin are worth more than I can give right now. God bless you both!
I second this!!
🥳
*Josh, I’ve recently subscribed to Rob Henderson’s Substack and at the top of his page there is a link for “Book a meeting”. It appears one can book (buy) a 30-minute meeting with Mr. Henderson to discuss related ideas. Perhaps this is a revenue route you might try?
Josh & Kevin, thank you for the promo pricing. I tried to do this on the App, but it indicated not possible on the App. Now that I'm at my laptop, I cannot tell if I already have a subscription. Please advise. Thank you for your time to reply.
Hi Patty,
Thank you! I confirmed you do have a subscription as of Feb 10, and it is at the $70 yearly rate.