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When we had dinner at Longhorn (the night you launched this Substack, if I recall correctly) I was actually working through one of mine. I told myself if it worked out naturally so that I was seated with a good view of the door, fine, but I wasn't going to ask for a special table or move seats or anything. (I have been known to wait significantly longer, to the point of managers being summoned to talk to me about WTF is wrong, to get a table where my back is not to the door, nobody will be walking behind me en route to the kitchen or bathroom, and I have a good view of all exits.) I have played the deaf card a few times to explain this, but the truth is that if I turn my hearing aids all the way up, nobody can sneak up on me in a restaurant. It's just anxiety. When I got there, you had the perfect table claimed (which helped!) but of course I was sitting across from you, back to the door. I reminded myself a couple of times that I could trust you, so if anything bad was approaching the table you would both react and warn me, and that it would be fine. Which it was. :-)

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Aug 4, 2022Liked by Josh Slocum

My mom has a phobic fear of the Tappan Zee. She even worries whenever anyone in our family drives over it. I'm okay with the TZ. I did have a panic attack on top of the pyramid at Chichen Itza -- climbed up, got to the top, looked down, freaked out. Fun!

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founding

I have a heights phobia, too, but mostly just pertaining to climbing ladders or stairways that are open on all sides. Pretty mild as far as phobias are concerned. I visited the The Willis Tower, a 108-story, 1,450-foot skyscraper in Chicago. The observation deck is glass on all sides including the floor. My friend cajoled me into it and I nearly feinted from terror. I hate rollercoasters and other amusement part rides that have height as a feature, and usually won't do them. Kudos to you for forcing yourself to find coping strategies to deal with your phobia.

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Aug 4, 2022Liked by Josh Slocum

Excellent story. Good for you. I stopped flying. My sisters, who put our mother in a small hospice room for a year (she wasn't that sick-illegal where I live in upstate NY--legal in Wisco) aren't worth it. My grandfather, ironically an immigrant from Norway, had such terrible fear of heights that my Uncle Lars had to take over driving (he was barely old enough) when they drove West over the Rockies to see (other Norwegian) relatives.

Since my then-husband betrayed me, lied, pretended, went awol (yup, super cluster B, like deserves a special label) and etc to "be a woman full-time" and got our kids to do erasure like calling him Mom and me by my first name, I got panic attacks. I actually thought I had heart disease. I try to memorize sections of Mozart and Beethoven to run in my mind when I feel the dreads coming on. I developed a set of floor movements to feel connected to muscles of abdominal wall, which is grounding, esp when breathing deeply to push away the dreads, close out the peripheral anxiety.

The world has gone nuts, I'm called a bigot (even been called a racist for no reason--my closest neighbors and friends are minorities who believe sex matters) I try to memorize little soundtracks of hearing their little kids in the next door yard and put it into my mind when I fear that my ex-husband's crew will come and burn down my house and rip up my garden, were I memorize moments of joy, like seeing two monarchs in mating dances. A book to help w the PTSD: Transforming Trauma by Dr. James Gordon. I don't do the whole plan, but adapt the concepts. Nature heals. She really does. I've been there. I've had to get myself off of the k. I thought it would get worse as I got older, but I'm better. Keep writing about it. Even the horrible childhood stuff. It makes you feel awful temporarily, but then is off of the back burner of your mind. Be proud of yourself for putting this out. You are on your way. Contact me through my blog if you are near Hudson Valley (bridges, yeah) and I'll give you a tour.

Ute Heggen, uteheggengrasswidow.wordpress.com

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Aug 4, 2022Liked by Josh Slocum

When I was 24 I climbed Table Mountain. There is a picture of me on a large platform where I am desperately holding onto the side of the mountain. I was so afraid of heights that I needed to hold onto something at any given point in time. My fear of heights has gotten worse.

There was a time where I went with exposure therapy; defined and instructed by myself. It was sometimes a disaster.

One a ski trip a few years ago my ski instructor abandoned me at the ski lift to support a different student who appeared to need more help. They jumped on the lift before me. And when it was my turn I panicked and ran away (as much as you can run with skis) and waited at the bottom of the mountain crying.

I have by now what used to be a cutesy fear of spiders an irrational fear of them.

When I was in the midst of a cluster B relationship to my narcissistic ex I was what is know to be hypervigilance. I was constantly on hyper alert. Could not tolerate loud noises, messes, or situations of uncertainty. I was not pleasant to be around. Everything around me needed to be perfect before I could relax. 4 years after kicking my narcissistic husband out of the house, I feel a lot less stress. The hypervigilance is gone for the most part. When it comes back during high stress times, I am in shock how I survived this form of being for so long and I am happy that I did not suffer greater health consequences. During the height of my hypervigilance I developed hives and one time had to be rushed to the hospital with face swelling that would not go down. The only two fears now are the fear of height and spiders that remained. I can live with these much better. I learned to tolerate messes. I learned to tolerate noise. I have not had hives since. Other health issues have been reduced, too.

The clarity you are showing in describing your situation is fantastic. I wish you good luck on your journey and also the courage to voice what you need, so you are not throwing a temper tantrum at the ski lift like I did; it is sometimes easier to show anger than fear.

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Aug 4, 2022Liked by Josh Slocum

Oh, I'm afraid of heights, too. Even climbing the ladder to the attic makes me feel woozy.

My bridge is The Arthur Ravenel Jr. Bridge (also known as The Cooper River Bridge, Ravenel, and The Coaster) which connects Mount Pleasant to downtown Charleston, SC.

The bridge has eight lanes and spans two and a half miles. One would find that terrifying enough, but wait! There's more!

It's nickname, "The Coaster", is the result of not one, but two large hills you must conquer to cross. The anxiety I feel atop the first hill is exacerbated by the knowledge another awaits. By the time I make the descent into Charleston, I'm exhausted. Relieved, but exhausted.

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Aug 5, 2022Liked by Josh Slocum

Fantastic writing, as always. I looked up the Tappan Zee Bridge. Holy smokes! Funny, most of my childhood nightmares involved bridges just like this. Shiver.

I can relate. I have battled a driving phobia for years. Bridges and even overpasses can be a challenge. I once read that clenching your buttocks tightly will prevent you from passing out from fear. LOL. Happy to report it works for me. Also, like you, I sing. “Rock and Roll All Night” by Kiss is my battle cry and distraction.

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