Your Women's Health Minute!
Josh Slocum here, homosexual, with your Women’s Health Minute!
Ladies, are you feeling a little raspy down there? Is walking uncomfortable? Have you considered seeing a doctor about your formerly verdant and now sere Lady Garden? Stop right there.
It’s not you, and it’s not your cooch.
It’s the men.
After conducting field research at the Williston Road McDonalds 45 minutes ago, I have determined the cause of what I’m sure must be a nationwide epidemic of vaginal dryness.
Soy men. You know them. They’re between 25 and 35 and they buy meals with an Arch Card. They have beards, but these are more like false-color signaling than anything.
There are no right angles on these men. Their faces are just soft, round curves. What hair remains on the top of their heads is lank and greazy. They have muffin top torsos plonked on top of little stick legs in skinny jeans. They stand on one leg like a Junior Miss model in the JC Penney catalog, and they get flappy hands when they find a new TikTok.
Women, don’t let these men within 50 feet of you; they are endangering your gynecological health. Like human-sized ambulatory bags of dessicant, they suck the moisture right out leaving your ___ puckered like Sylvester’s mouth when he swallows alum.
I’ve had a lot to say about women’s shortcomings these past few years, but this one is entirely men’s fault. You’re better off riding an actual wooden hobby horse.
This has been your Women’s Health Minute.
Oh my gosh Josh! You’re the only one who can make me cringe AND laugh at the same time. (Mostly laugh.) And also think. I am decades and DECADES beyond the demographic you wrote this for but I do worry about them all, young harridans and soy boys alike. It’s so much harder for young people these days. Please do not ever stop writing.
Indeed! male feminists are a plague on female sexuality. They are vanguards of the "consent" industrial complex, a wrecking ball to natural flirtations and the intoxicating nature of the male gaze. These males via their "allyship" feel wholly entitled to women's bodies but their true contempt for women and hostility towards their own total lack of masculinity is evidenced by their "The future is female" t-shirts and the fact that these sad creatures have no idea how to actually give a good core-shaking fuck and often obscure their lack of skill in some kind of BDSM bullshit.