Your dreams of the territories were almost too vivid to believe and are incredibly well described. I hope you feel a sense of relief and even peace to realize they have served their emotional purpose and are (mostly) in your rear view mirror, Josh.
Josh... really enjoy your writing. I know the songs without even clicking to listen. You may have already written numerous posts about this but I haven't been following you very long. What was your grandmother like (your Mom's Mom I suppose)?
To me, she was a refuge from my mother. She treated me kindly, as very special, and I loved her very much.
To my mother in childhood, she and my mother's father were abusive and neglectful alcoholics living in poverty. My mother's relationship with her mother was extremely chaotic and unstable, often vicious, and during those times I wasn't allowed to see or talk to my grandmother.
My paternal grandparents were abusive to their kids but to us grandkids they were fine.
Probably because grandkids make far fewer demands on grandparents: they're exposed to the kids for only a few hours or days, and the grandparents know the parents will deal with the more unpleasant parts of the kids' behavior.
Also, the grandparents have mellowed somewhat with age, so they're less inclined (or don't have the energy) to be horrible.
“The Talisman”: Co-written with Peter Straub, this novel features a parallel world called “The Territories.” The protagonist, Jack Sawyer, travels between our world and The Territories to find a talisman to save his dying mother. The Territories are a mystical, medieval-like realm where many characters have “Twinners,” or counterparts in our world. Josh, do you have “Twinners” or counterparts? It's utterly amazing how you relate your childhood and relationship with your mother in your dreams. To see you heal from an abusive relationship with your mother must have been a lot of hard work, be proud of yourself and everything you have accomplished. Thank you
Josh--a quick check of Amazon tells me that, unless you are the famous solo circumnavigator Joshua Slocum (and I suspect you're not), you have not published any books yet. This astonishes me, because you're a hell of a writer, and you have much to say. I'd be likely to buy a memoir, or a novel, if it had your name on it.
As for tornadoes, I've never experienced a real one, but the twister near the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz" has been giving me the creeps ever since I first saw it as a small child. Late-1930s MGM effects technology and cinematography, combined with Herbert Stothart's urgent score, really created something both dream-like and ominous that still works after more than eighty years.
We get glimpses of Joshua's mother being alright. Of course, he is the one to share those scenes, sometimes with a hint of compensation if not total depiction. How much more awful the flip must have been, when she did...flip.
This is the special torment of the children of a Borderline---they're not awful 24/7. There were times when my mother did the normal things mothers do, like reading stories, teaching reading, and praising our progress. She obviously gave all of us children the basic foundation to learn, as we've all become intelligent people who can write and speak well.
But the flip is unbearable. You never know when it's coming, and it can completely cancel every good thing that came the day before.
I think it is this instability that leaves kids like me feeling unlovable and contaminated for the rest of our lives.
Sometimes the dysfunctional times never leave us no matter how much time has passed and how far we’ve moved on. I lived with 2 very mentally messed up parents that had no way of controlling the negatives in their life. Somehow at an early age I instinctively knew that and arranged my life not to repeat their mistakes. I still not sure exactly how. Some of it was may have been I looked at other adults in my life and thought well these people aren’t fucked up in the head like my neurotic parents.
I can never remember the A plot (which is me needing to take care of some errand or project), but the B plot is invariably about navigating a complex space: a university campus, a cityscape, a big college building (where you can't come down the same way you went up), campus housing, transportation hub (planes, trains, buses), vacation resort, Vegas casino.
In the dream I'll only have a vague memory of the place, so I spend the entire time trying to remember which way to turn or which staircase to take or door to duck through or route to get to the boarding gate.
I never get where I'm going, assuming I really know where that is. I just go down hallways and backtrack and try to remember if it's the second door or the third or if you have to go to the left of this building before taking a winding path to the right.
The only unpleasant dreams happen very rarely, and then it's something dumb like I find out I'm married to some moron and HOW THE HELL DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?
I think you could put together a compilation of vignettes, if not entire works that would be just as jarring, deep, disturbing, or darkly whacky and be every bit as good as anything I've read by Joyce Carol Oates or Chuck Palahniuk.
This essay opened up so many memories for me. My dreams, ok, my nightmares, have always been about planes too. We always take off fine but we never land at the intended destination. When we land , if we land, (I awaken before a crash ) we skid to stop on a strange path in the middle of nowhere. In all of these dreams I feel as though it is my sheer will of determination that keeps us in the air at all. Can you say ‘ Low Trust’ issues?
We’ve made it this far…the calluses and strengths we now have will be needed during this next year.
Your dreams of the territories were almost too vivid to believe and are incredibly well described. I hope you feel a sense of relief and even peace to realize they have served their emotional purpose and are (mostly) in your rear view mirror, Josh.
I have a question. Why are you not a published author? Your writing is brilliant - but even more so, it touches one's soul.
Thank you:)
Josh... really enjoy your writing. I know the songs without even clicking to listen. You may have already written numerous posts about this but I haven't been following you very long. What was your grandmother like (your Mom's Mom I suppose)?
To me, she was a refuge from my mother. She treated me kindly, as very special, and I loved her very much.
To my mother in childhood, she and my mother's father were abusive and neglectful alcoholics living in poverty. My mother's relationship with her mother was extremely chaotic and unstable, often vicious, and during those times I wasn't allowed to see or talk to my grandmother.
No, I don't know how to reconcile it.
Thanks.
My paternal grandparents were abusive to their kids but to us grandkids they were fine.
Probably because grandkids make far fewer demands on grandparents: they're exposed to the kids for only a few hours or days, and the grandparents know the parents will deal with the more unpleasant parts of the kids' behavior.
Also, the grandparents have mellowed somewhat with age, so they're less inclined (or don't have the energy) to be horrible.
“The Talisman”: Co-written with Peter Straub, this novel features a parallel world called “The Territories.” The protagonist, Jack Sawyer, travels between our world and The Territories to find a talisman to save his dying mother. The Territories are a mystical, medieval-like realm where many characters have “Twinners,” or counterparts in our world. Josh, do you have “Twinners” or counterparts? It's utterly amazing how you relate your childhood and relationship with your mother in your dreams. To see you heal from an abusive relationship with your mother must have been a lot of hard work, be proud of yourself and everything you have accomplished. Thank you
*Chills*
Your writings are more like paintings. The devil’s been chasing & trying to capture you for a very long time but you seem to be most resilient!! 🙌
Josh, this is haunting... So vivid, like those dreams.
Thank you for sharing it and for being willing to bare your soul like this.
Josh--a quick check of Amazon tells me that, unless you are the famous solo circumnavigator Joshua Slocum (and I suspect you're not), you have not published any books yet. This astonishes me, because you're a hell of a writer, and you have much to say. I'd be likely to buy a memoir, or a novel, if it had your name on it.
As for tornadoes, I've never experienced a real one, but the twister near the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz" has been giving me the creeps ever since I first saw it as a small child. Late-1930s MGM effects technology and cinematography, combined with Herbert Stothart's urgent score, really created something both dream-like and ominous that still works after more than eighty years.
It's the most realistic onscreen tornado ever, and all done with physical material.
We get glimpses of Joshua's mother being alright. Of course, he is the one to share those scenes, sometimes with a hint of compensation if not total depiction. How much more awful the flip must have been, when she did...flip.
This is the special torment of the children of a Borderline---they're not awful 24/7. There were times when my mother did the normal things mothers do, like reading stories, teaching reading, and praising our progress. She obviously gave all of us children the basic foundation to learn, as we've all become intelligent people who can write and speak well.
But the flip is unbearable. You never know when it's coming, and it can completely cancel every good thing that came the day before.
I think it is this instability that leaves kids like me feeling unlovable and contaminated for the rest of our lives.
Sometimes the dysfunctional times never leave us no matter how much time has passed and how far we’ve moved on. I lived with 2 very mentally messed up parents that had no way of controlling the negatives in their life. Somehow at an early age I instinctively knew that and arranged my life not to repeat their mistakes. I still not sure exactly how. Some of it was may have been I looked at other adults in my life and thought well these people aren’t fucked up in the head like my neurotic parents.
I’m sorry to hear your cat died, Josh. You must miss her so much.
My dreams are deadly dull.
I can never remember the A plot (which is me needing to take care of some errand or project), but the B plot is invariably about navigating a complex space: a university campus, a cityscape, a big college building (where you can't come down the same way you went up), campus housing, transportation hub (planes, trains, buses), vacation resort, Vegas casino.
In the dream I'll only have a vague memory of the place, so I spend the entire time trying to remember which way to turn or which staircase to take or door to duck through or route to get to the boarding gate.
I never get where I'm going, assuming I really know where that is. I just go down hallways and backtrack and try to remember if it's the second door or the third or if you have to go to the left of this building before taking a winding path to the right.
The only unpleasant dreams happen very rarely, and then it's something dumb like I find out I'm married to some moron and HOW THE HELL DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?
I have those kinds of dreams, too. My "lost" dreams.
Those dre vignettes sound very familiar to me!
I think you could put together a compilation of vignettes, if not entire works that would be just as jarring, deep, disturbing, or darkly whacky and be every bit as good as anything I've read by Joyce Carol Oates or Chuck Palahniuk.
This essay opened up so many memories for me. My dreams, ok, my nightmares, have always been about planes too. We always take off fine but we never land at the intended destination. When we land , if we land, (I awaken before a crash ) we skid to stop on a strange path in the middle of nowhere. In all of these dreams I feel as though it is my sheer will of determination that keeps us in the air at all. Can you say ‘ Low Trust’ issues?