These are the people in my neighborhood!
Today I met the following people and things at the grocery store. I have given the people names.
Since they were all too busy for an interview I have taken the liberty of constructing dating profiles for them.
'Toine, the early middle-aged gay black man. You know him. He's trim and wears "body conscious" clothing. His facial expression is pursed lips, and he switches his backside when he walks.
'Toine makes his lunch from Freihofer's Classic Italian white bread and Ruffles Cheddar Flavor Family Size.
LIKES
long walks on nude beaches
Freihofer's Classic Italian white bread
Ruffles Cheddar Flavor
how black don’t crack
DISLIKES
fatties
non-bunching underwear
people who are not 'Toine
Velma, the 50-year-old cashier. She looks exactly like Velma from Scooby Doo but older, rougher, and larger. Her forearms are covered with prison-style tattoos (rough, amateur lettering, looks like a high school tattoo artist).
One is a baseball bat covered in barbed wire. The other is in red ink, all capitals: "I AM VEGAN"
LIKES
sapphistry
Valu Village
cat skeletons
DISLIKES
not killing meat-eaters
the patriarchy
nice things
Ginny, the 34-year-old white woman in yoga pants with dyed black hair and the pallor only plant-based diets can bring. Ginny is Careful. She wears a black N95 mask, and stands Six Feet from everyone. Because she has a Personal Boundary Area, the line for the deli extends to the canned goods aisle because no one is allowed to get closer to Ginny.
Other customers may gaze upon her shapely rear, which she makes sure to present in more-than-skin-tight, "crevice-conscious" "bottom wear."
LIKES
empathy
lululemon
hemp
camel toe
DISLIKES
heteronormativity
other people being allowed to even
food
A 1998 red Cadillac DeVille. The back seat has been removed, and the opening to the back trunk is covered with a utility blanket on tacks. This arrangement offers easy corpse loading and unloading.
LIKES
dust inside multiple used drug baggies between the front seat and center console
double-thick contractor bags
The Crown air freshener
DISLIKES
fuel efficiency
the black duct tape holding the black trim onto the right passenger side window
Priuses
Having listened as a freeloader for quite some time, I had to pay after this post, which is the funniest thing I’ve read in the 2020s.
Oooo, wanna swap a “Velma” for a “Kath”? She’s a Tucson based former Bay Area hippie. She wears loose cargo capri pants and Teva sandals. She drives a cerulean Toyota Matrix (what a fun color!) and shops at Sprouts. Her cart is filled with Sprouts brand Oreos knockoffs and bakery items but it comes from a “health food store” so calories don’t count. She will also berate the poor cashier about what the mailer said the price for said Oreos should be, even though she’s a week too late. She is much too evolved for hygiene and always smells a bit musty. She takes a weekly tai chi class through a city program in the park.