The last show

Airport 23

I love plane crashes. Not really really, I just love watching them dramatized in high-quality one-hour docu-dramas. You can have your sinking ship or derailed train stories—nothing compares to the high drama of 200 people in a tin cigar five miles in the air plastic buckets strapped to their faces while they hurtle toward the ground.

Plus, air hostesses careening from one side of the cabin to another provide a frisson you don’t get when a boat sinks.

Trouble is, I’ve watched every single episode of every single plane crash show. So now I have to make my own.

Here’s how it would go if my plane were going down. It’s a DC-10 and don’t question me about anachronisms, OK?

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A loud BANG goes off. Flames start licking the starboard passenger windows as engine #2 spews orange fire. The plane lurches this way, then that. Karen Black bursts out of the cabin door and runs down the aisle screaming, “Is there a pilot on board? “

Middle-aged man in a crew cut says, “I was a navy pilot, let me help.”

Josh rolls his eyes and budges in front.

”Oh no. This is my time. I have watched every episode of Mayday: Air Disaster! Step aside fly-boy. I know how to blow. . .up. . the automatic pilot.”

Navy boy starts wrestling me away from the cockpit while the stewardess pulls on my shirt.

”Bitch I got my man now get your own!” , yells Josh, snatching her wig right off her head.

Stewardess: “Sir get back to your seat right now and strap yourself in!”

Josh: “Who do you think you are, my mother? Oh honey, not tonight.”

Stewardess: “THE PLANE IS CRASHING!”

Josh: “Bitch you said water LANDING. . .”

[Navy guy drags Josh back to seat after he’s gone all limp and helpless with a lewd smirk on his face]

Josh to laptop camera: “OK welcome to Disaffected, the show where we talk about how this crew has zero idea what they’re doing and they’re gonna put this McDonnell-Douglas right in the ocean if they don’t start listening.”

[Plane lurches 90 degrees to the right while air whooshes out the port wing emergency exit door which decided to just give up.]

Josh to camera: “On this week’s final show. . .hold on a minute. [Presses call button. Presses again. Finally stands up and shouts STEWARDESS!]

Karen Black holding onto the seat with an oxygen bottle strapped to her back: “WHAT!?”

Josh: “Yeah my overhead light isn’t working and I’m trying to record a show. Could you. . . miss. . . come back. . . rude.”

Josh to camera: “Anyway. . oh hold on she’s coming back. MISS! This lady next to me won’t put her oxygen mask on.”

Josh: “And you can drop the attitude, lazy eye. The last thing you did was Trilogy of Terror and you ought to be grateful to work at all.”

Josh to camera: “What. Ever. Anyway, this is Disaffected and we’re currently at 34,000 feet but not for long. #2 engine is on fire, we’ve lost cabin pressure, the individual margarine tubs STILL have not dropped down in front of our faces and we got a rudder hard-over up in here. In this show, we’re gonna talk—”

Karen Black snatches powder brush out of Josh’s hand: “I NEED YOU TO PUT THAT DOWN AND GET IN THE BRACE POSITION NOW SIR!”

Josh: “Brace for WHAT? The only way we’re leaving the crash site is in the back of a Sayers and Scoville hearse. Honestly, it’s like you just need something to do.”

Josh: “And can you ask that lady in row 34 why she’s breastfeeding that baby? Seems like throwing good milk after bad. If it was my last meal I’d ask for two veal cutlets—”

Stewardess pushes Josh out the emergency exit. A Liberace-style marble candelabrum is erected in memoriam over the suspected site of his body landing. Rescue crews found only a bottle of PhotoFinish facial primer and a tube of Maybelline Great Lash, and the legend was born. . .