This is so timely. Thank you for writing it. I've been thinking about all of this and I could not agree with you more. My mom is very close to end now, only taking in sips of fluids via syringe and a spoonful or two of soft food, and even that is becoming difficult for her and will likely stop soon. When she passes, I think I would like to bathe and dress her myself. I might paint her nails and trim her hair. From a cultural perspective, that may sound crazy, but those are the urges I'm having this past week or two. We also don't particularly want a big funeral, but plan to scatter her ashes atop a hill in a nature preserve very close to my childhood home. I intend to use a nice wooden box instead of some tacky overpriced urn. And we think we might just have a party in her honor in a couple of months instead of a "funeral" or "memorial service" (what those words mean to people nowadays). Being close to my mom as she's dying is really helping me with my own fear of death, too. She can do it... we all do it. It's okay. Anyway, thanks again. <3
That’s such an important aspect. Watching and helping a parent to die is a privilege and a maturing right of passage .( if you have a loving relationship of course) A good parent models for us all the best behaviors ideally and dying is, or perhaps dying with grace is, the last and most profound lesson they can share with us. ( mcc aka squidink ❤️)
You can do all of those things. If mom is at home and dies there, simply do not call a funeral home until you’re ready. That can be one day, two days, whatever.
A body can be kept without decomp problems for a couple of days in a cool room. Keep the AC on. You probably know this, but you may have to clean up evacuated bowels and bladder after death.
I advise dressing the body as soon as possible after death before rigor sets in.
Thank you, Josh, I really appreciate this. It's good to know that we will have some time to sit with her body and care for it properly... I think that will be important for me for closure, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.
I heard that the formaldyhyde full suite chemical treatment is completely unnecessary and not as effective as just putting them in a body fridge. The guy said the chem treatment is an expensive holdover from the Civil War and also is the reason coffins have to be so tough and chemical leak proof, while the normal corpses don't require tanky coffins. Is that true?
Correct. Funeral embalming is merely cosmetic, and helps keep the body at room temperature, and also to restore something of a "life-like" appearance through dye (I'm not into that, but just describing it).
It does not "protect public health" as dead bodies do not make people sick; living sick people do.
It is also never legally required simply because you wish to view the body.
Nua, I am so sorry that you're losing your mother, but happy for you that you're able to be with her and care for her. I cared for my dying mother and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
Thank you. This is such a great perspective. To me it is very obvious that we all need to relearn what it means to be human. And caring for the dying is one way of doing it in a very compassionate way.
It used to be normal that the family gathered around a dying person and helped him on his final exit. My grandmother told me that in her catholic village kids were asked to go and read to those in what we these days call hospice. It was considered an honor and a reward to be asked to do so.
I also feel that we use the term grief and trauma to loosely. And the older I get the more I believe that our therapy culture is not helpful for us and even harmful to our younger generation.
Constantly wallowing about how you are feeling and rethinking and memorizing all the bad things cannot be good for a growing brain.
I see this in my step daughter; she is completely crippled by the idea that she needs to focus more on herself. So she spends the majority of her time sleeping and thinking in her room; constantly too anxious to work and too depressed to go to college (she dropped out). Every time something bad happens like the one time she hit a deer, it cripples her for weeks as she claims she needs to recover from the shock.
Death should be handled like you said, like a passage way that you can help someone through. And it will make saying good bye more easy and will also make grief more manageable.
Thank you Josh. The hardest part about death (aside from the obvious) is knowing HOW to do it, because the whole process has become unbelievably esoteric. I had two “wild” (I called them “DIY” at the time) births. I didn’t ask permission. I just had two of my children, myself, at home. But I’ve had no clue and little time to research (ONE MORE THING) how to reclaim dying and death.
I’m glad you’re offering your services as a consultant. I’ve known about your now former occupation and wondered if you still gave advice. And now I know! Thank you again.
My late FIL was like a second Dad to me. He was a pilot by trade, but an amazing teacher, friend, sportsman, and traveling companion. One of the hardest and most meaningful things I’ve done in my life was helping to care for him in his dying days. He kept tesching me, even then, but I also think I helped him with his transition.
My brother cared for his 51 yo wife that he had been with since they were 14 yo. Close family asked to help out in her daily care telling him he needed a break. After she died he said to me that he wanted to do it himself & then he choked out that “it was a privilege to care for her”. I cry whenever I share his sentiment.
I’ve read the book and I am thankful you’re putting this here for your readers to find. You can’t find anyone more informed than my brother on this topic. He’s always had a way of making the loss of a loved one less painful for those he’s helped, I have thankful friends who have received his guidance.
Not sure exacyly how you bury dead yourself in todays world. In PA I believe having a vault is a legal requirenent. I'm not sure how many cemetaries would allow you to open a grave without a company. It woukd be hard work becausebI think depth of grave may be a legal requirement. As far a burial outside a cemetary, It seems that coukd be illegal as well. When you sell your home do need to disclose you buried a body in the back yard they find when putting in a pool?
I have all of these questions, too. I think it is outrageous that it costs thousands of dollars to bury a dead person. What on earth do poor people do, who might have zero savings? I am assuming funeral homes allow them to pay in installments.
I know someone who is still paying for her spouse’s funeral after twenty some years. We buried my sister’s ashes on top of our grandfather’s grave, about two feet deep, in a canister (sort of like a cookie tin) from the funeral home, where they had “accidentally” embalmed her. She didn’t really want a funeral, either, but we had a nice wake.
I looked it all up before hand and found out the part about a vault being a legal requirement is nonexistent. They buried people in *lead* coffins in the 1800’s.
Did you ask if you could bury her ashes there or just do it surreptitiously? Also: did the funeral home charge you for the embalming you did not ask for??
Our family has a small cemetery dating to the mid 1800’s. The funeral home was also one that our family has used for decades. We did pay for embalming, even though it was accidental, we changed the plans and it worked out very well with the wake. The biggest expense was flowers, and a small granite marker that matches the one our grandfather has.
When we told people what we were doing, some asked if it would happen at midnight. No, in fact I’m not sure that any cemetery could charge twice for the same plot.
The fact that many people spread the ashes leads me to believe that’s legal The Catholic Church says ashes can’t be spread, but can be interred, Our nephew dug the opening with a shovel, and we read some scripture and prayers. And i might add that it was a beautiful day!
You can become sure of the answers to these questions if you read my book. That's the entire purpose.
No. There are *no states* that legally require a vault as a condition of ground burial, whether it is a whole coffin or an urn. Zero states. This is not true under any circumstance, or in any state.
Also, there are very few states that have any legal requirements about grave depth.
It IS legal to bury outside of a cemetery in many cases. Most U.S. states allow at-home burial. Most states do not have state-level laws governing this. Instead, it is a local zoning issue. Most localities will only allow at-home burial of whole bodies if you have rural land outside of cities or towns.
Most of what you've been told about "the law" when it comes to death and burial is myth, misunderstanding, or a conscious lie.
My book will help you sort fact from fiction if you're curious to learn more!
I grew up poor, one of six kids.. on welfare and all kinds of gov't aid. I remember my mother had life insurance on us 3 little kids (other 3 were older.) I found it strange that she would pay for that, but she had a horrible fear of not being able to pay for a funeral if one of us kids were to die. She told me that she --- one of 12, grew up even poorer --- had been forced to go beg at the funeral home when her own father died. They had no money to bury him, and my mother actually thought that she and the other kids were going to have to dig a hole in the backyard and bury him.
So glad you are covering this Josh! I think about this A. LOT as well.
It honestly makes so much sense that we are so lost as a society in every way when you consider our relationship to death and the care of the dying…
Have you heard of “death doulas?” I don’t know if that’s an actual standardized term or just how one person describes her job.
But yeah…. There are so many layers to this.
Thanks for your work, Josh.
Please write more about this. 🙏
Thank you Josh. Such a necessary and meaningful topic.
Amen.
This is so timely. Thank you for writing it. I've been thinking about all of this and I could not agree with you more. My mom is very close to end now, only taking in sips of fluids via syringe and a spoonful or two of soft food, and even that is becoming difficult for her and will likely stop soon. When she passes, I think I would like to bathe and dress her myself. I might paint her nails and trim her hair. From a cultural perspective, that may sound crazy, but those are the urges I'm having this past week or two. We also don't particularly want a big funeral, but plan to scatter her ashes atop a hill in a nature preserve very close to my childhood home. I intend to use a nice wooden box instead of some tacky overpriced urn. And we think we might just have a party in her honor in a couple of months instead of a "funeral" or "memorial service" (what those words mean to people nowadays). Being close to my mom as she's dying is really helping me with my own fear of death, too. She can do it... we all do it. It's okay. Anyway, thanks again. <3
That’s such an important aspect. Watching and helping a parent to die is a privilege and a maturing right of passage .( if you have a loving relationship of course) A good parent models for us all the best behaviors ideally and dying is, or perhaps dying with grace is, the last and most profound lesson they can share with us. ( mcc aka squidink ❤️)
You can do all of those things. If mom is at home and dies there, simply do not call a funeral home until you’re ready. That can be one day, two days, whatever.
A body can be kept without decomp problems for a couple of days in a cool room. Keep the AC on. You probably know this, but you may have to clean up evacuated bowels and bladder after death.
I advise dressing the body as soon as possible after death before rigor sets in.
Thank you, Josh, I really appreciate this. It's good to know that we will have some time to sit with her body and care for it properly... I think that will be important for me for closure, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.
I heard that the formaldyhyde full suite chemical treatment is completely unnecessary and not as effective as just putting them in a body fridge. The guy said the chem treatment is an expensive holdover from the Civil War and also is the reason coffins have to be so tough and chemical leak proof, while the normal corpses don't require tanky coffins. Is that true?
Correct. Funeral embalming is merely cosmetic, and helps keep the body at room temperature, and also to restore something of a "life-like" appearance through dye (I'm not into that, but just describing it).
It does not "protect public health" as dead bodies do not make people sick; living sick people do.
It is also never legally required simply because you wish to view the body.
You are a wonderful daughter 🙏
Nua, I am so sorry that you're losing your mother, but happy for you that you're able to be with her and care for her. I cared for my dying mother and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
Thank you. I really appreciate all the times you have touched on this topic & I will certainly be ordering your book!
Thank you. This is such a great perspective. To me it is very obvious that we all need to relearn what it means to be human. And caring for the dying is one way of doing it in a very compassionate way.
It used to be normal that the family gathered around a dying person and helped him on his final exit. My grandmother told me that in her catholic village kids were asked to go and read to those in what we these days call hospice. It was considered an honor and a reward to be asked to do so.
I also feel that we use the term grief and trauma to loosely. And the older I get the more I believe that our therapy culture is not helpful for us and even harmful to our younger generation.
Constantly wallowing about how you are feeling and rethinking and memorizing all the bad things cannot be good for a growing brain.
I see this in my step daughter; she is completely crippled by the idea that she needs to focus more on herself. So she spends the majority of her time sleeping and thinking in her room; constantly too anxious to work and too depressed to go to college (she dropped out). Every time something bad happens like the one time she hit a deer, it cripples her for weeks as she claims she needs to recover from the shock.
Death should be handled like you said, like a passage way that you can help someone through. And it will make saying good bye more easy and will also make grief more manageable.
Sometimes the best way out is through.
This was so interesting, thank you. I had no idea it was an option.
Thank you Josh. The hardest part about death (aside from the obvious) is knowing HOW to do it, because the whole process has become unbelievably esoteric. I had two “wild” (I called them “DIY” at the time) births. I didn’t ask permission. I just had two of my children, myself, at home. But I’ve had no clue and little time to research (ONE MORE THING) how to reclaim dying and death.
I’m glad you’re offering your services as a consultant. I’ve known about your now former occupation and wondered if you still gave advice. And now I know! Thank you again.
I knew none of this. Thank you so much.
Thanks Josh. Great post. Going in my saved folder .
My late FIL was like a second Dad to me. He was a pilot by trade, but an amazing teacher, friend, sportsman, and traveling companion. One of the hardest and most meaningful things I’ve done in my life was helping to care for him in his dying days. He kept tesching me, even then, but I also think I helped him with his transition.
Another banger article Josh.
Beautifully said, Josh. Also I didn't know you were co-author of such a book. It would appear to be a wonderful reference for times of such need.
My brother cared for his 51 yo wife that he had been with since they were 14 yo. Close family asked to help out in her daily care telling him he needed a break. After she died he said to me that he wanted to do it himself & then he choked out that “it was a privilege to care for her”. I cry whenever I share his sentiment.
I’ve read the book and I am thankful you’re putting this here for your readers to find. You can’t find anyone more informed than my brother on this topic. He’s always had a way of making the loss of a loved one less painful for those he’s helped, I have thankful friends who have received his guidance.
Lovely to hear from you, Josh's sister!
Not sure exacyly how you bury dead yourself in todays world. In PA I believe having a vault is a legal requirenent. I'm not sure how many cemetaries would allow you to open a grave without a company. It woukd be hard work becausebI think depth of grave may be a legal requirement. As far a burial outside a cemetary, It seems that coukd be illegal as well. When you sell your home do need to disclose you buried a body in the back yard they find when putting in a pool?
I have all of these questions, too. I think it is outrageous that it costs thousands of dollars to bury a dead person. What on earth do poor people do, who might have zero savings? I am assuming funeral homes allow them to pay in installments.
I know someone who is still paying for her spouse’s funeral after twenty some years. We buried my sister’s ashes on top of our grandfather’s grave, about two feet deep, in a canister (sort of like a cookie tin) from the funeral home, where they had “accidentally” embalmed her. She didn’t really want a funeral, either, but we had a nice wake.
I looked it all up before hand and found out the part about a vault being a legal requirement is nonexistent. They buried people in *lead* coffins in the 1800’s.
Definitely buying Josh’s book!
Did you ask if you could bury her ashes there or just do it surreptitiously? Also: did the funeral home charge you for the embalming you did not ask for??
Our family has a small cemetery dating to the mid 1800’s. The funeral home was also one that our family has used for decades. We did pay for embalming, even though it was accidental, we changed the plans and it worked out very well with the wake. The biggest expense was flowers, and a small granite marker that matches the one our grandfather has.
When we told people what we were doing, some asked if it would happen at midnight. No, in fact I’m not sure that any cemetery could charge twice for the same plot.
The fact that many people spread the ashes leads me to believe that’s legal The Catholic Church says ashes can’t be spread, but can be interred, Our nephew dug the opening with a shovel, and we read some scripture and prayers. And i might add that it was a beautiful day!
You can become sure of the answers to these questions if you read my book. That's the entire purpose.
No. There are *no states* that legally require a vault as a condition of ground burial, whether it is a whole coffin or an urn. Zero states. This is not true under any circumstance, or in any state.
Also, there are very few states that have any legal requirements about grave depth.
It IS legal to bury outside of a cemetery in many cases. Most U.S. states allow at-home burial. Most states do not have state-level laws governing this. Instead, it is a local zoning issue. Most localities will only allow at-home burial of whole bodies if you have rural land outside of cities or towns.
Most of what you've been told about "the law" when it comes to death and burial is myth, misunderstanding, or a conscious lie.
My book will help you sort fact from fiction if you're curious to learn more!
I grew up poor, one of six kids.. on welfare and all kinds of gov't aid. I remember my mother had life insurance on us 3 little kids (other 3 were older.) I found it strange that she would pay for that, but she had a horrible fear of not being able to pay for a funeral if one of us kids were to die. She told me that she --- one of 12, grew up even poorer --- had been forced to go beg at the funeral home when her own father died. They had no money to bury him, and my mother actually thought that she and the other kids were going to have to dig a hole in the backyard and bury him.