Like many other products people buy on emotion. They end up with a $700 car payment because they think their working hard deserves a luxurious car. Grandpa dies and he’s due a great send off. Or worst a child dies and how can you not give the best as the final gift. Few can separate emotions from practicality. Even more so in our growing Cluster B world.
As a side note with our exploding obesity rates, drug addictions, mental illness and other unhealthy outcomes this is a business with great future demand. If a young person wants an in demand job this might be it. Just go to any airport and look at all the 50 year olds already in a wheelchair.
Well dam, that was extremely thought provoking to me. Being Honor Guard for a time, I've seen and carried more than I needed to. I've heard a few whispered complaints and always dismissed them for whatever seemed to fit. My mother did not complain at the cost of father's urn. I made it. It never occurred to me what I would actually charge a random non family member for that. It was asked of me and I did it. I have some skill with metal. Things I have never given two thoughts to. Invoking. Thank you.
I'm definitely going to get cremated, like I think most people want now. But I think a closed casket service would work as well. Both should be part of a memorial service, and maybe a casket looks more human than a little bowl. But an open casket, which is where the undertaker needs to really strut their stuff, is kinda gross. People don't look their best when they're dying no matter how much makeup is applied. So why do people want to be remembered like that? I'd want a big photo of me when I was 25 in a muscle tee.
To me, dressing up a corpse, putting makeup on its face, and putting it on display so people can file past and look at it is a grotesque, weird ritual. In the event I predecease her, I've asked my wife to have me cremated as quickly, conveniently, and cheaply as possible, and to dump the ashes somewhere that's free and easy to access. Our back yard will suffice--just rake me into the flower beds. I won't care; I'll be dead.
Perhaps the distance placed between the living and the dead works both for and against the bereaved (the clients) and the services (the funeral homes).
My uncle in northern Maine owned and operated a funeral home with his brother. The garage was always filled with flower arrangements en route to a gravesite and smelled lovely. When he received calls, he'd spell out that he had to go out to receive a b-o-d-y. My sister and I pretended we didn't know what he said, but we really didn't understand it either. For at least two decades.
I have always felt weird at the American funerals I have attended. The most stirring, and human, funeral I attended was the Romanian Orthodox funeral liturgy for my husband’s grandfather. I was not Christian at the time and hadn’t been married for very long. We drove out to a remote village in Romania. I didn’t understand the language or the ritual. I was a stranger in a strange land for sure. I went into the house to pay my respects and hubby’s grandfather was there, laying on the couch surrounded by flowers and candles. I followed along in the liturgy and just did as I was told. While everything felt otherworldly, it also felt incredibly natural and human. My husband’s grandfather was buried very close to the home he lived in, along with his ancestors. Someone in the village dug the grave. The women cooked lots of incredible food. The village priest celebrated the liturgy. It was an important part of my spiritual journey, and I found my way converting to Christianity and becoming Orthodox. When I die, I want my body to stay in my home surrounded by flowers and candles. I want to be buried on the third day in a simple coffin. No embalming. Just put me in the ground and make sure the priest celebrates all the proper funeral rites. Americans are afraid of death and handle it in a very inhuman way. It’s sad.
This is a wonderful, thought-provoking piece. Personally I'd like some type of "green" burial, in the backyard of my house I've lived in for 30 years. Time to start looking into it!
By extension, I think a lot these days about the nursing home situation--ie institutionalized as opposed to home care for our elderlies. Had my sisters agreed, I'd have brought our Mom home with me for her last few years.... but could only do that with some kind of regular, formalized help I think.
Until recently, my husband and I lived in an old, old house with a massive front door; built so large so as to accommodate a casket. I told my kids to lay me out in the living room when the time came. Alas, we've since moved on. And our realtor recommended that I not share with prospective buyers why the door was so wide.
Great piece. Our (meaning we, the living) participation with the funeral service industry seems like a fitting, end-of-life irony to the limits of capitalism. I’m a fan of free markets, but the last few decades have shown me quite the range of cognitive dissonance people practice when they want to spend money on something that shouldn’t really have a price tag (child care, education, elective surgeries and medical care, etc. etc.). As you say, people desperately ask for and yet can so easily resent the services they’re asking undertakers to provide.
My husband is a pastor, so he’s seen his fair share of this—the non-planning followed by frantic planning, the crazy expectations of families, the extreme vitriol directed at people doing what no one else wants to do. He gets some of this, too. So much of the negative side of things stems exactly from what you say: people are afraid of death and want to hide from it as much as possible. Thanks again for writing and for sharing this.
I can recommend "Departures," the wonderful 2008 Japanese film about a classical musician who is desperate for employment and finds work as a nōkanshi—a traditional Japanese ritual mortician. He confronts a significant negative stigma from his family and friends. He learns to embrace the profession with reverence.
I grew up in the UK and had never seen an open casket funeral until I came to the USA. I got quite a fright when I saw my first open casket. I had never heard of such a thing in my life. It is not the tradition in UK in the Christian churches anyway.
This is excellent information. DS and I were intrigued about this topic when we watched one of your YouTube shows where you spoke (fairly briefly) on this topic.
I once read a heartbreaking and very emotional essay about a father whose young child died in a hospital. ( I can't remember if the child was a baby or a toddler). He arranged to transport the body across state lines and handle the burial himself. I can't remember the legal details but it involved a lot of paperwork, delays, etc. He felt it was the ultimate show of love for his child.
There are many cultures of course, who take care of a family member once they have died, washing the body, etc. I believe North Americans in general have a hard time with death. I recently learning of a profession called a death doula, someone who helps when a family member is dying and doing things with and for that person. They work with the family as well. It struck me as an amazing and compassionate calling.
Like many other products people buy on emotion. They end up with a $700 car payment because they think their working hard deserves a luxurious car. Grandpa dies and he’s due a great send off. Or worst a child dies and how can you not give the best as the final gift. Few can separate emotions from practicality. Even more so in our growing Cluster B world.
As a side note with our exploding obesity rates, drug addictions, mental illness and other unhealthy outcomes this is a business with great future demand. If a young person wants an in demand job this might be it. Just go to any airport and look at all the 50 year olds already in a wheelchair.
Well dam, that was extremely thought provoking to me. Being Honor Guard for a time, I've seen and carried more than I needed to. I've heard a few whispered complaints and always dismissed them for whatever seemed to fit. My mother did not complain at the cost of father's urn. I made it. It never occurred to me what I would actually charge a random non family member for that. It was asked of me and I did it. I have some skill with metal. Things I have never given two thoughts to. Invoking. Thank you.
That’s an excellent piece. Thank you for re-publishing it.
I'm definitely going to get cremated, like I think most people want now. But I think a closed casket service would work as well. Both should be part of a memorial service, and maybe a casket looks more human than a little bowl. But an open casket, which is where the undertaker needs to really strut their stuff, is kinda gross. People don't look their best when they're dying no matter how much makeup is applied. So why do people want to be remembered like that? I'd want a big photo of me when I was 25 in a muscle tee.
To me, dressing up a corpse, putting makeup on its face, and putting it on display so people can file past and look at it is a grotesque, weird ritual. In the event I predecease her, I've asked my wife to have me cremated as quickly, conveniently, and cheaply as possible, and to dump the ashes somewhere that's free and easy to access. Our back yard will suffice--just rake me into the flower beds. I won't care; I'll be dead.
Perhaps the distance placed between the living and the dead works both for and against the bereaved (the clients) and the services (the funeral homes).
My uncle in northern Maine owned and operated a funeral home with his brother. The garage was always filled with flower arrangements en route to a gravesite and smelled lovely. When he received calls, he'd spell out that he had to go out to receive a b-o-d-y. My sister and I pretended we didn't know what he said, but we really didn't understand it either. For at least two decades.
I have always felt weird at the American funerals I have attended. The most stirring, and human, funeral I attended was the Romanian Orthodox funeral liturgy for my husband’s grandfather. I was not Christian at the time and hadn’t been married for very long. We drove out to a remote village in Romania. I didn’t understand the language or the ritual. I was a stranger in a strange land for sure. I went into the house to pay my respects and hubby’s grandfather was there, laying on the couch surrounded by flowers and candles. I followed along in the liturgy and just did as I was told. While everything felt otherworldly, it also felt incredibly natural and human. My husband’s grandfather was buried very close to the home he lived in, along with his ancestors. Someone in the village dug the grave. The women cooked lots of incredible food. The village priest celebrated the liturgy. It was an important part of my spiritual journey, and I found my way converting to Christianity and becoming Orthodox. When I die, I want my body to stay in my home surrounded by flowers and candles. I want to be buried on the third day in a simple coffin. No embalming. Just put me in the ground and make sure the priest celebrates all the proper funeral rites. Americans are afraid of death and handle it in a very inhuman way. It’s sad.
This is a wonderful, thought-provoking piece. Personally I'd like some type of "green" burial, in the backyard of my house I've lived in for 30 years. Time to start looking into it!
By extension, I think a lot these days about the nursing home situation--ie institutionalized as opposed to home care for our elderlies. Had my sisters agreed, I'd have brought our Mom home with me for her last few years.... but could only do that with some kind of regular, formalized help I think.
Until recently, my husband and I lived in an old, old house with a massive front door; built so large so as to accommodate a casket. I told my kids to lay me out in the living room when the time came. Alas, we've since moved on. And our realtor recommended that I not share with prospective buyers why the door was so wide.
Great piece. Our (meaning we, the living) participation with the funeral service industry seems like a fitting, end-of-life irony to the limits of capitalism. I’m a fan of free markets, but the last few decades have shown me quite the range of cognitive dissonance people practice when they want to spend money on something that shouldn’t really have a price tag (child care, education, elective surgeries and medical care, etc. etc.). As you say, people desperately ask for and yet can so easily resent the services they’re asking undertakers to provide.
My husband is a pastor, so he’s seen his fair share of this—the non-planning followed by frantic planning, the crazy expectations of families, the extreme vitriol directed at people doing what no one else wants to do. He gets some of this, too. So much of the negative side of things stems exactly from what you say: people are afraid of death and want to hide from it as much as possible. Thanks again for writing and for sharing this.
I can recommend "Departures," the wonderful 2008 Japanese film about a classical musician who is desperate for employment and finds work as a nōkanshi—a traditional Japanese ritual mortician. He confronts a significant negative stigma from his family and friends. He learns to embrace the profession with reverence.
https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-departures-2009
I grew up in the UK and had never seen an open casket funeral until I came to the USA. I got quite a fright when I saw my first open casket. I had never heard of such a thing in my life. It is not the tradition in UK in the Christian churches anyway.
This is excellent information. DS and I were intrigued about this topic when we watched one of your YouTube shows where you spoke (fairly briefly) on this topic.
"We are death-phobic and grief-illiterate."
- Stephen Jenkinson
I'm looking forward to the sequel someday, Josh: "In Defense of the Return of Sextons" :)
I once read a heartbreaking and very emotional essay about a father whose young child died in a hospital. ( I can't remember if the child was a baby or a toddler). He arranged to transport the body across state lines and handle the burial himself. I can't remember the legal details but it involved a lot of paperwork, delays, etc. He felt it was the ultimate show of love for his child.
There are many cultures of course, who take care of a family member once they have died, washing the body, etc. I believe North Americans in general have a hard time with death. I recently learning of a profession called a death doula, someone who helps when a family member is dying and doing things with and for that person. They work with the family as well. It struck me as an amazing and compassionate calling.