Very powerful post. It’s horrible that any child has to endure this. I’m so sorry this happened and glad you can write about it. Also thank you for running errands for Holly while she’s been in vampire quarantine.
FWIW, I 100% believe you, and I’m so sorry that you went through that Hell. You seem to have turned out pretty darn well, so congratulations on coming through the fire OK (or as OK as is possible, given your history.) Thanks for sharing all of this.
Bettie Davis's daughter said the same thing about her. Then Shirley McClain's daughter said the same thing about her. A Hollywood thing? A friend of mine said the same thing about her mother. Seems to be a lot of bad mothers out there. I guess the good ones don't get written about. I had a great mother by the way.
Or see everyone else. It attracts people who are both narcissists and always doubting (especially if they are woman) if they are pretty enough or have talent. MM was a very very talented comedic actress and as the saying goes: Dying is easy, Comedy is hard. But she, like so many others wanted to prove herself as a dramatic actress. I think most comedians do deep down. They always doubt themselves. Lou Costello is another example as is Jerry Lewis (not a fan of the later) But since I am on a roll here (sorry about that). They do tend to put their careers first and foremost. Everything else second. Husbands, children, others around them. McClain shipped her daughter off to a boarding school in Switzerland. An expensive one and a probably very good one but the career came first. Seems to be a constant thing no matter who, no matter what generation. They all become accessories to the "stars" career's. Judy Garland was jealous of her daughter's success.
In general there are lousy mothers and lousy fathers. In general from life observation I think more fathers than mothers but mothers tend to get written about more. The trope of a soldier getting shot on a battlefield and his last words being "mother" is rather standard. Though it did make me wonder with woman in combat if they get shot do they cry out "Father or maybe daddy?". Doubt it. Moms are expected to pick up the slack if the Dad falls short. Tough row to hoe and they get more of the blame in the if they don't meet the child's expectations. Which in young children are probably unobtainable. and the child doesn't realize that until adulthood, maybe. Mine, though it took a while to grasp that. And that's why I said I had a great mom. And I did.
I don’t know you, I’m getting to know you and your mind. I’m learning about how you see the world and how you fit into it. With all that being said, your history is so deeply rooted in abuse and neglect it’s incredible how much you’ve endured. I’m so sorry you had to grow up so fucking fast. Damn.
I believe that mothers are elevated to a status that seems to defy logic. At least it seems that way in my family with the exception of a sister of recent. The fact that I have been annexed from my (4) sibs speaks volumes in relation to ‘truth bombs’ and/or establishing boundaries within the framework of what constitutes family, especially since convid where I decided that I wouldn’t go along to get along.
G-d forbid. And yes, that'd be about the size of it--and you, made to say you're who wanted that b/c it's your "identity" in order to desperately try for your mother's love and her, the object of attentive adulation for being so "lovingly" "open-minded". Heaven help us all.
I think there are adult children in the world who are co opting your pain, in a way. I was having some difficulty with one of my adult children and I joined a Facebook group for parents like me. Many of them spoke about being estranged from their adult children, and their adult children accusing them of things that they felt were unfair or flat out untrue. I happened to mention this to my daughter and she said, Ma, you’re only hearing one side of the story. So I believe adult children CAN be unfair to their parents and blame them for things unfairly. Certainly the words “ trauma” and “abuse” are at times overused. At the same time. I believe, as in your case, that there really are genuinely abusive parents who deserve to be estranged from their adult children. I am so sorry you went through this, it was hard enough for me to grow up with average, “good enough” parents, I can’t imagine growing up with this sort of trauma.
"her smacking me across the face in front of company and hissing"
I grew up with that, though not as bad as you had it. I think my grandmothers moderated her, and I benefited from the stability being around them.
I don't recall how old I was, maybe 6 or 7. We are in the kitchen/dining room. Some of her girlfriends were probably there. At least the bff. I said something, probably about the food, to earn her rage. Who knows, but she smacked me across the mouth aiming to hit it the ring on her ring finger which had a protruding gem on it.
Then she dragged me to my room. I crawled behind the door to escape her and leaned against the chest of draws as she swatted at me hard trying to get to my face, grumbling at me to stop blocking her with my arms so she can hit my mouth and make it bleed. A moment later my bottom lip was gushing blood. She threw a handerchief and went to her friends.
She would show me to her girlfriends and say things like - tell everyone why your bottom lip is busted like that. At the same time casually talked about what great mother she is, how I dared to be displeased with her cooking or she felt unappreciated and swatted me across the lips to make them bleed, and that now I behave so well all she has to do is look at me.
She was unahppy if people who heard that story asked how I'm misbehaving being one of the quietest kids they've known. It was the ultimate compliment to her but not rarely she would take it a criticism. God fobid someone criticised her about smacking me. Her favorite phrase about me at that age roughly translates from Bulgarian to "He will whisper like a cotton ball in a basket".
The physical violence was rare-ish though, at least that's how I recall it. I felt threatened enough to just be quiet and walk on eggshels. Whatever rare physical beatings I received stopped at some point, I don't recall when, probably around 3rd grade. And not because of my father. He never intervened, pretty much let her do whatever. He would rather lounge in front of the TV after work than deal with me. Most of the time merely walking with indoor flip flops annoyed him so I had to be double quiet and take their moods into account if I'm around.
As I grew older she ended up needing me. I realized it not long ago watchign Disaffected. I was her emotional support. I went from the bratty annoying kid to her "best friend". Incidentally right around that time she had a secret side man, married with a kid. She was convinced he would leave his alcoholic wife for us. I ended up as her cover for when she went to meet the guy, had to lie to my father if he asked where we've been. He ditched her at some point, and became trash to her.
She had a second husband, four years older than me, and had a kid with him. He left her abruptly and went from the best ever to awful too.
Last year, quite annoyed she vented how my half brother is just like me when I was that age, all day in his room, reading books (now on the pc). I didn't say anything but laughed pretty good because back in those days my shutin behavior annoyed her and she would often complain I was just like my father. The kid was raised just like I was, shuttled to grandma for months at a time when he was a baby until first grade.
The more I read up the more it seems like past abuse contributes to the new abuse. Kids being an easy target. In Bulgaria especially in the days of communism you didn't go to shrinks because you aren't "crazy". And of course "what would the neighbors say". We're a small gossipy country.
When my memory unlocked a few weeks ago while watching Josh, another one came up. My mother talking to me (I think dad had smacked her around, she usually provoked him) when I'm 5-8 yo, she was about my age when her mother walked in and saw something, undefined, but bad enough to leave immediately with both kids. I've seen her father all of 3 times, a drunk, violent man prone to overexagaration. The only man I've sensed made my father uncomfortable. Weird.
I don't have emotional reactions to these memories for whatever reason. I've had what people call near death experience three times, twice when I was 18 and then at 24, and have been somewhat depersonalized and detached from my physical body since then. Or rather, somewhat detached from my body being "me". Going back to being very young I didn't think of the boy in the photos as being me either.
my grandparents though, God bless them, I think they're a key to why I've remained somewhat sane. Girlfriends in my teens liked me, and a few girls really wanted to date me because apparently I was nice. I do have a temper that has mellowed out as I've gotten older but there's always this... block or wall I feel while in my anger that never crosses into physical violence. I'm Bulgarian so I'll curse but so do most of us
actually, I have no feelings about it. That memory popped up while I was watching Disaffected a few weeks ago and I was surprised at the lack of emotion.
I'm somewhat odd in that even in school when there were bullies a few times, I didn't internalize the pushing, shoving, and jokes as there being something wrong with me but would wonder what's wrong with them. Never blamed myself. If they picked on me for the fancy haircut I blamed my mother because she cut my hair, haha
And I'll credit my grandparents though, very typical for the Balkans lovingly taking care of me for most of my early years, and providing me with a magical childhood. In a strange way, my mother's oft announcement to "get out of my hair and go to your grandma" when Friday came probably did me many huge favors mentally. Although I can be quite headstrong.
I recall my grandparents arguing over something one day (think the cliche old Italian couple bickering) I walked in and grandma just reached over, pulled me up to her and smooched me. I can hear her now - Babinko, are you hungry? Contrast with my parents where both of them would turn on me for something as little as making too much noise with my spoon.
This is why the "extended family" system was there, I think, for most of human history. That way, if a most closely related family member was a clinker, others were present as backup so people had a chance at getting more of what they needed.
How awful. I hate how these abusive mothers almost take pride in bragging to their friends how they beat their kids, as if they're edgy and tough. It turns my stomach. I also retreated to my attic bedroom as a preteen and teen to read and escape my mother. (She called it my "ivory tower.") Even though I said very little, she knew I knew she was white trash and looked down on her, and she seethed with anger because of it.
OMG, that last sentence... Yes. And my mother also talked a lot about how much better we were (and of course how much better she was as a mother) compared to her siblings and their families.
My cousins' families had regular jobs, paid their bills and taxes. Treated people nicely.
My mother? Welfare queen.
She even threw a fit at her own sister's funeral--dead at 43 with children still growing up--because my uncle concentrated on his dead wife instead of praising my mother in the eulogy.
My mother was like a truffle pig when it came to sniffing out government programs. I'm actually thankful for that, because we had things we otherwise would not have had, like a clothing allowance for school clothes, free memberships for us kids at the YMCA, etc. I remember burning with anger when I was applying for colleges. You'd think she'd be proud that one of her six kids was smart enough to go, but she whined about the $50 application fee for Smith College. "Isn't there a program to pay for that?" These mothers are unstable and terrifying. You have to do all that you can to get out of arm's reach, literally and metaphorically.
So sorry you had to live with that, Josh. Glad you continue to work through it now, and shed light for others who live similar lives. Take care of you. 💞
I 100% believe you. My mom was not that bad, but I was the menace child that made her life hell because I was unhappy and would cry when I had to be at her house. I just couldn’t let her be happy with her new jerk husband and I was the bad guy…at 5 years old. I preferred my dad and she hated that and was mean to me for it. She got her whole family to treat me like a demon “problem” child. Funny how there wasn’t much concern for my wellbeing - it was all about her unhappiness with her bad kids. It didn’t matter how neglectful or resentful she was toward her kids (and she only had to see us every other day!). We were blamed for her misery and treated like bad people. I’m having a baby girl in the fall and I cannot imagine treating her that way! Something is just broken in some women.
Having 2 daughters was incredibly healing for me, as I pretty much did the opposite of what my mother did. I didn't have kids for 10 years of my marriage b/c I was so afraid of having anybody feel about me the way I felt about my mother. Thank goodness they don't hate me, haha.
Omg same here! I didn’t want kids because I was scared I would turn into her. I never wanted to be the kind of mother I had. I’ve done well at being the opposite and I know I’ve been a great mother to my two daughters.
I'm so happy for you. And I am glad to know I am not alone in my fear of motherhood. When you're a good mother, there is STILL resentment and things you mess up, so that's why it is so important to try to be the best mother you can.
Amen to this! Hard not to shame-spiral when you mess up and then compare yourself to your BPD mom. But then I remind myself that I can (and do) apologize to my kids when I need to and just that is something I never got.
YES!! I always humbly apologized, and kids really do appreciate that. My own mother never gave me that, either. When the neighbor who molested me knocked on our door years later to boo hoo on her shoulder about his wife leaving him (he molested all 8 of his kids, boys and girls, nephews/nieces, etc.), I was eavesdropping from my bedroom to see what my mother would say. She invited him in and they sat down and had coffee! I can't really put into words how that made me feel. That honestly was when I knew I was done with her.
That was me! I remember crying when I was pregnant and found out my first child would be a girl. I was so scared of the mother/daughter relationship and terrified she would hate me. God gave me what I needed though and thankfully, I am not my mother! I now also have a son and another daughter and my kids are such blessings.
I don't speak with my mother anymore (not since 8 years ago when my first born was 4 months old) as she tried to sabotage my motherhood when I was pregnant. Saying things like, "How will you be nurturing? You're so cold and distant" or "It must be hard for you to connect with your baby." Such projection. On my first Mother's Day, I FaceTimed her to wish her a happy Mother's Day. She didn't wish me one, never mentioned it, and when my husband said he was making me a special breakfast and had put an album together with photos of me and my daughter, she said "Mother's Day isn't something husbands do for their wives, it's something children give their mom." We laugh about it now but at the time it hurt badly.
I don’t know how old you are but to be honest it’s seems that this behavior is very common around the boomer generation. They always seem fine at first glance but turn out to be the most egotistical children ever. I think it has something to do with being raised into abundance where you don’t have to do much effort to get a lot.
In any case it’s extremely abhorrent behavior, my mother is a lot like that too, a boomer…
I had the feeling. There is something particularly bad about the boomer mothers, they tried to be everything and failed at most of it while still managing to stay childish.
This is how I try to find forgiveness, I put a bit of weight on the environment/culture of the time.
On the sabotage thing, I had a similar experience (for another situation), a lot of people behave like that but I think it hurts particularly bad because of 2 things : first we like to think that a mother would be and should be better than that to their own children, but this is idealistic thinking, a bit naive ; and second we like to think of our parents as « better » humans but we come to the realization that not only they are not necessarily better, they may even be much worse than the average.
All of it feels very bad and unfair but that’s pretty much life if you remove the good parts !
I definitely know how not to be with my child thanks to my mom and will pretty much model my parenting after my dad’s example. I think she tried and did what she could, but she is just not very maternal. Only when it comes to her 30 cats lol.
I have confused feelings about my late mother. On one hand, she could be very loving, and I had a good relationship with her when I was an adult. On the other hand, when I was a small child I got slapped and whipped with whatever weapon was handy--hair brush, shoe, belt, coat hanger, etc. Once when I was seven she hysterically screamed to my dad, while I stood there, "I don't want that thing [me] anymore! Get it out of here!" I think about stuff like that and I feel the heat rising. Then I think about the good moments and I get all soft. Well, at least we were on good terms when she died. Similar ambiguity about my dad.
Good grief, who is that?
I don't know. But I'm telling you the truth that you now understand what my mother was like.
These are real people in the real world. They are not "characters on TV."
I don’t doubt you. I’ve never doubted any of your stories, but until now they haven’t come with visual aids (apart from Madonna videos).
...and if they are also 'characters on TV', they are undoubtedly from a show I'd be terrified to watch.
I know it's easy to say, but I'm horrified and so sorry you went through this (and glad that you're here).
That is Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford in the movie "Mommie Dearest," in the terrifying bathroom scene.
*shivers in deja vu*
Oh boy. Yes, avoid avoid avoid. Jesus, Josh. It's amazing you made it with your soul intact.
Very powerful post. It’s horrible that any child has to endure this. I’m so sorry this happened and glad you can write about it. Also thank you for running errands for Holly while she’s been in vampire quarantine.
Josh,
FWIW, I 100% believe you, and I’m so sorry that you went through that Hell. You seem to have turned out pretty darn well, so congratulations on coming through the fire OK (or as OK as is possible, given your history.) Thanks for sharing all of this.
Bettie Davis's daughter said the same thing about her. Then Shirley McClain's daughter said the same thing about her. A Hollywood thing? A friend of mine said the same thing about her mother. Seems to be a lot of bad mothers out there. I guess the good ones don't get written about. I had a great mother by the way.
Hollywood attracts narcissists. See Charlize Theron for a current example.
Or see everyone else. It attracts people who are both narcissists and always doubting (especially if they are woman) if they are pretty enough or have talent. MM was a very very talented comedic actress and as the saying goes: Dying is easy, Comedy is hard. But she, like so many others wanted to prove herself as a dramatic actress. I think most comedians do deep down. They always doubt themselves. Lou Costello is another example as is Jerry Lewis (not a fan of the later) But since I am on a roll here (sorry about that). They do tend to put their careers first and foremost. Everything else second. Husbands, children, others around them. McClain shipped her daughter off to a boarding school in Switzerland. An expensive one and a probably very good one but the career came first. Seems to be a constant thing no matter who, no matter what generation. They all become accessories to the "stars" career's. Judy Garland was jealous of her daughter's success.
In general there are lousy mothers and lousy fathers. In general from life observation I think more fathers than mothers but mothers tend to get written about more. The trope of a soldier getting shot on a battlefield and his last words being "mother" is rather standard. Though it did make me wonder with woman in combat if they get shot do they cry out "Father or maybe daddy?". Doubt it. Moms are expected to pick up the slack if the Dad falls short. Tough row to hoe and they get more of the blame in the if they don't meet the child's expectations. Which in young children are probably unobtainable. and the child doesn't realize that until adulthood, maybe. Mine, though it took a while to grasp that. And that's why I said I had a great mom. And I did.
I don’t know you, I’m getting to know you and your mind. I’m learning about how you see the world and how you fit into it. With all that being said, your history is so deeply rooted in abuse and neglect it’s incredible how much you’ve endured. I’m so sorry you had to grow up so fucking fast. Damn.
I believe that mothers are elevated to a status that seems to defy logic. At least it seems that way in my family with the exception of a sister of recent. The fact that I have been annexed from my (4) sibs speaks volumes in relation to ‘truth bombs’ and/or establishing boundaries within the framework of what constitutes family, especially since convid where I decided that I wouldn’t go along to get along.
Had you’ve been a 16 year old now the horrors your mother could extract on you today. You’d be on your way to bottom surgery if not already there.
G-d forbid. And yes, that'd be about the size of it--and you, made to say you're who wanted that b/c it's your "identity" in order to desperately try for your mother's love and her, the object of attentive adulation for being so "lovingly" "open-minded". Heaven help us all.
I think there are adult children in the world who are co opting your pain, in a way. I was having some difficulty with one of my adult children and I joined a Facebook group for parents like me. Many of them spoke about being estranged from their adult children, and their adult children accusing them of things that they felt were unfair or flat out untrue. I happened to mention this to my daughter and she said, Ma, you’re only hearing one side of the story. So I believe adult children CAN be unfair to their parents and blame them for things unfairly. Certainly the words “ trauma” and “abuse” are at times overused. At the same time. I believe, as in your case, that there really are genuinely abusive parents who deserve to be estranged from their adult children. I am so sorry you went through this, it was hard enough for me to grow up with average, “good enough” parents, I can’t imagine growing up with this sort of trauma.
Redemption
…..
"her smacking me across the face in front of company and hissing"
I grew up with that, though not as bad as you had it. I think my grandmothers moderated her, and I benefited from the stability being around them.
I don't recall how old I was, maybe 6 or 7. We are in the kitchen/dining room. Some of her girlfriends were probably there. At least the bff. I said something, probably about the food, to earn her rage. Who knows, but she smacked me across the mouth aiming to hit it the ring on her ring finger which had a protruding gem on it.
Then she dragged me to my room. I crawled behind the door to escape her and leaned against the chest of draws as she swatted at me hard trying to get to my face, grumbling at me to stop blocking her with my arms so she can hit my mouth and make it bleed. A moment later my bottom lip was gushing blood. She threw a handerchief and went to her friends.
She would show me to her girlfriends and say things like - tell everyone why your bottom lip is busted like that. At the same time casually talked about what great mother she is, how I dared to be displeased with her cooking or she felt unappreciated and swatted me across the lips to make them bleed, and that now I behave so well all she has to do is look at me.
She was unahppy if people who heard that story asked how I'm misbehaving being one of the quietest kids they've known. It was the ultimate compliment to her but not rarely she would take it a criticism. God fobid someone criticised her about smacking me. Her favorite phrase about me at that age roughly translates from Bulgarian to "He will whisper like a cotton ball in a basket".
The physical violence was rare-ish though, at least that's how I recall it. I felt threatened enough to just be quiet and walk on eggshels. Whatever rare physical beatings I received stopped at some point, I don't recall when, probably around 3rd grade. And not because of my father. He never intervened, pretty much let her do whatever. He would rather lounge in front of the TV after work than deal with me. Most of the time merely walking with indoor flip flops annoyed him so I had to be double quiet and take their moods into account if I'm around.
As I grew older she ended up needing me. I realized it not long ago watchign Disaffected. I was her emotional support. I went from the bratty annoying kid to her "best friend". Incidentally right around that time she had a secret side man, married with a kid. She was convinced he would leave his alcoholic wife for us. I ended up as her cover for when she went to meet the guy, had to lie to my father if he asked where we've been. He ditched her at some point, and became trash to her.
She had a second husband, four years older than me, and had a kid with him. He left her abruptly and went from the best ever to awful too.
Last year, quite annoyed she vented how my half brother is just like me when I was that age, all day in his room, reading books (now on the pc). I didn't say anything but laughed pretty good because back in those days my shutin behavior annoyed her and she would often complain I was just like my father. The kid was raised just like I was, shuttled to grandma for months at a time when he was a baby until first grade.
The more I read up the more it seems like past abuse contributes to the new abuse. Kids being an easy target. In Bulgaria especially in the days of communism you didn't go to shrinks because you aren't "crazy". And of course "what would the neighbors say". We're a small gossipy country.
When my memory unlocked a few weeks ago while watching Josh, another one came up. My mother talking to me (I think dad had smacked her around, she usually provoked him) when I'm 5-8 yo, she was about my age when her mother walked in and saw something, undefined, but bad enough to leave immediately with both kids. I've seen her father all of 3 times, a drunk, violent man prone to overexagaration. The only man I've sensed made my father uncomfortable. Weird.
I don't have emotional reactions to these memories for whatever reason. I've had what people call near death experience three times, twice when I was 18 and then at 24, and have been somewhat depersonalized and detached from my physical body since then. Or rather, somewhat detached from my body being "me". Going back to being very young I didn't think of the boy in the photos as being me either.
my grandparents though, God bless them, I think they're a key to why I've remained somewhat sane. Girlfriends in my teens liked me, and a few girls really wanted to date me because apparently I was nice. I do have a temper that has mellowed out as I've gotten older but there's always this... block or wall I feel while in my anger that never crosses into physical violence. I'm Bulgarian so I'll curse but so do most of us
Jesus, I'm sorry. I know how you felt, and probably how you feel now.
actually, I have no feelings about it. That memory popped up while I was watching Disaffected a few weeks ago and I was surprised at the lack of emotion.
I'm somewhat odd in that even in school when there were bullies a few times, I didn't internalize the pushing, shoving, and jokes as there being something wrong with me but would wonder what's wrong with them. Never blamed myself. If they picked on me for the fancy haircut I blamed my mother because she cut my hair, haha
And I'll credit my grandparents though, very typical for the Balkans lovingly taking care of me for most of my early years, and providing me with a magical childhood. In a strange way, my mother's oft announcement to "get out of my hair and go to your grandma" when Friday came probably did me many huge favors mentally. Although I can be quite headstrong.
I recall my grandparents arguing over something one day (think the cliche old Italian couple bickering) I walked in and grandma just reached over, pulled me up to her and smooched me. I can hear her now - Babinko, are you hungry? Contrast with my parents where both of them would turn on me for something as little as making too much noise with my spoon.
Thank God for kind grandparents. I had them, too.
This is why the "extended family" system was there, I think, for most of human history. That way, if a most closely related family member was a clinker, others were present as backup so people had a chance at getting more of what they needed.
How awful. I hate how these abusive mothers almost take pride in bragging to their friends how they beat their kids, as if they're edgy and tough. It turns my stomach. I also retreated to my attic bedroom as a preteen and teen to read and escape my mother. (She called it my "ivory tower.") Even though I said very little, she knew I knew she was white trash and looked down on her, and she seethed with anger because of it.
Ah yes. That's it, Susan.
My mother was a white trash slattern. She put on great big airs about how our family wasn't like "those" families. But we were.
She was a lazy slut, and I knew she was, and she knew I knew she was.
They never forgive their children for seeing who they are.
OMG, that last sentence... Yes. And my mother also talked a lot about how much better we were (and of course how much better she was as a mother) compared to her siblings and their families.
Same. These women are all the same person.
My cousins' families had regular jobs, paid their bills and taxes. Treated people nicely.
My mother? Welfare queen.
She even threw a fit at her own sister's funeral--dead at 43 with children still growing up--because my uncle concentrated on his dead wife instead of praising my mother in the eulogy.
My mother was like a truffle pig when it came to sniffing out government programs. I'm actually thankful for that, because we had things we otherwise would not have had, like a clothing allowance for school clothes, free memberships for us kids at the YMCA, etc. I remember burning with anger when I was applying for colleges. You'd think she'd be proud that one of her six kids was smart enough to go, but she whined about the $50 application fee for Smith College. "Isn't there a program to pay for that?" These mothers are unstable and terrifying. You have to do all that you can to get out of arm's reach, literally and metaphorically.
So sorry you had to live with that, Josh. Glad you continue to work through it now, and shed light for others who live similar lives. Take care of you. 💞
I 100% believe you. My mom was not that bad, but I was the menace child that made her life hell because I was unhappy and would cry when I had to be at her house. I just couldn’t let her be happy with her new jerk husband and I was the bad guy…at 5 years old. I preferred my dad and she hated that and was mean to me for it. She got her whole family to treat me like a demon “problem” child. Funny how there wasn’t much concern for my wellbeing - it was all about her unhappiness with her bad kids. It didn’t matter how neglectful or resentful she was toward her kids (and she only had to see us every other day!). We were blamed for her misery and treated like bad people. I’m having a baby girl in the fall and I cannot imagine treating her that way! Something is just broken in some women.
Having 2 daughters was incredibly healing for me, as I pretty much did the opposite of what my mother did. I didn't have kids for 10 years of my marriage b/c I was so afraid of having anybody feel about me the way I felt about my mother. Thank goodness they don't hate me, haha.
Omg same here! I didn’t want kids because I was scared I would turn into her. I never wanted to be the kind of mother I had. I’ve done well at being the opposite and I know I’ve been a great mother to my two daughters.
I'm so happy for you. And I am glad to know I am not alone in my fear of motherhood. When you're a good mother, there is STILL resentment and things you mess up, so that's why it is so important to try to be the best mother you can.
Amen to this! Hard not to shame-spiral when you mess up and then compare yourself to your BPD mom. But then I remind myself that I can (and do) apologize to my kids when I need to and just that is something I never got.
YES!! I always humbly apologized, and kids really do appreciate that. My own mother never gave me that, either. When the neighbor who molested me knocked on our door years later to boo hoo on her shoulder about his wife leaving him (he molested all 8 of his kids, boys and girls, nephews/nieces, etc.), I was eavesdropping from my bedroom to see what my mother would say. She invited him in and they sat down and had coffee! I can't really put into words how that made me feel. That honestly was when I knew I was done with her.
That is abhorrent and so sick. I'm so sorry.
That was me! I remember crying when I was pregnant and found out my first child would be a girl. I was so scared of the mother/daughter relationship and terrified she would hate me. God gave me what I needed though and thankfully, I am not my mother! I now also have a son and another daughter and my kids are such blessings.
I don't speak with my mother anymore (not since 8 years ago when my first born was 4 months old) as she tried to sabotage my motherhood when I was pregnant. Saying things like, "How will you be nurturing? You're so cold and distant" or "It must be hard for you to connect with your baby." Such projection. On my first Mother's Day, I FaceTimed her to wish her a happy Mother's Day. She didn't wish me one, never mentioned it, and when my husband said he was making me a special breakfast and had put an album together with photos of me and my daughter, she said "Mother's Day isn't something husbands do for their wives, it's something children give their mom." We laugh about it now but at the time it hurt badly.
I don’t know how old you are but to be honest it’s seems that this behavior is very common around the boomer generation. They always seem fine at first glance but turn out to be the most egotistical children ever. I think it has something to do with being raised into abundance where you don’t have to do much effort to get a lot.
In any case it’s extremely abhorrent behavior, my mother is a lot like that too, a boomer…
She IS a boomer. (I'm an older millennial--I'll be 40 in December.)
I had the feeling. There is something particularly bad about the boomer mothers, they tried to be everything and failed at most of it while still managing to stay childish.
This is how I try to find forgiveness, I put a bit of weight on the environment/culture of the time.
On the sabotage thing, I had a similar experience (for another situation), a lot of people behave like that but I think it hurts particularly bad because of 2 things : first we like to think that a mother would be and should be better than that to their own children, but this is idealistic thinking, a bit naive ; and second we like to think of our parents as « better » humans but we come to the realization that not only they are not necessarily better, they may even be much worse than the average.
All of it feels very bad and unfair but that’s pretty much life if you remove the good parts !
OMG, your mother really is a piece of work. They love to be the wet blankets to your success and happiness.
I definitely know how not to be with my child thanks to my mom and will pretty much model my parenting after my dad’s example. I think she tried and did what she could, but she is just not very maternal. Only when it comes to her 30 cats lol.
Incredibly sad!
I have confused feelings about my late mother. On one hand, she could be very loving, and I had a good relationship with her when I was an adult. On the other hand, when I was a small child I got slapped and whipped with whatever weapon was handy--hair brush, shoe, belt, coat hanger, etc. Once when I was seven she hysterically screamed to my dad, while I stood there, "I don't want that thing [me] anymore! Get it out of here!" I think about stuff like that and I feel the heat rising. Then I think about the good moments and I get all soft. Well, at least we were on good terms when she died. Similar ambiguity about my dad.
How could you not be confused, Cary? I'm sorry.