On clarity and mind-reading

Ambiguity is especially difficult for me. No, not “just for Josh.” Ambiguity is difficult for all humans; it’s not restricted to me, and it’s not merely and only my personal problem.

But, yes, I am especially sensitive to ambiguity. Unspoken assumptions, undisclosed prior assumptions and knowledge, and undisclosed expectations from another party; I have a very hard time with these.

Readers will have noticed that I am a stickler for clarity. I frequently stop conversations and insist that my partner define and specify his terms. I will not continue a conversation until this happens. It’s simply too dangerous. And, I believe I (and you, and all conversants) have a legitimate right to expect clarity and specific definitions. This is the compact we agree to in conversation. If we can’t, I won’t have that conversation.

Yes, I realize that my insistence on clarity is read by some as tedious, persnickety, or some other “silly” adjective. Know that I will continue to ask for this specificity regardless of how conversants view that. It’s a requirement for me, not something I will negotiate.

For those wondering why I’m like this, I think this is the explanation. And I think this explanation applies to many people other than me, people who come from similar backgrounds.

As you know, I was raised in an abusive household. My mother has Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorders. That means that my childhood home was filled with mind games, lying, on-the-fly rules changes, and arbitrary and capricious punishments for infractions that I could not predict as a child.

Anyone who grew up in a Cluster B household will find this familiar.

My mother imposed severe consequences on her children if they failed to read her mind. Being a borderline, she would not, or could not, consistently disclose her prior assumptions, her needs, and her goals. Put another way, she demanded that her children predict her needs by magical clairvoyance without ever indicating tentativeness, or indicating that we were confused and needed to ask her a question.

This marked me permanently, deep in my personality. I am confident that this will never go away, no matter how much progress I make in overcoming childhood trauma. Over the past seven years, I’ve made remarkable progress and I’m glad for that.

But my need for clarity, and my sometimes obsessive desire to know all the undisclosed expectations, has not budged a millimeter.

Mother demanded (again, unspoken—you see the perversity, yes?) that I read her mind. That I know and understand all her needs, goals, and desired outcomes. This was impossible. No child can do that. No adult person can do that.

Because I could not live up to this, I was punished. Always by screaming and accusations. Sometimes also with hitting, grounding, or forced quasi-religious recantation sessions. I was to confess my laziness, my selfishness, and my cussedness, out loud to my mother.

This is why I stop conversations in mid-track to insist on my partner disclosing her prior assumptions. This is why I stop the talk and say, “Wait. First, we have to agree on definitions. Your definition of ‘harsh’ or ‘uncalled for’ seems to be different from mine, but we can’t know that yet. So, let’s commit to knowing that by explicitly defining what we mean.”

I will not stop doing this; again, it’s not a negotiation. I require this. Yes, I realize that it can come across as “weird” or “obsessive,” and that some people don’t like to have conversations that way. That’s fine and OK. But it does mean that that person and I will not be conversational partners.

No, I’m not a high-trust person. Yes, I’m very mistrustful compared to “you,” or the average person you’re thinking of. I fully and candidly admit this. You’re right.

But this is who I am. I hope this helps clarify some of the “quirks” I’m sure you’ve noticed.

Thank you all for reading and subscribing.

ADDENDUM: It is not only my personal traumatic childhood that informs this. The real world, today, in 2023, is in fact more ambiguous, more deceitful, and more Cluster B, than it ever has been.

This is an objective fact about the world. It cannot be written off as “Josh’s personal neurosis, and nothing more.” Every day, more people who do not come from backgrounds of child abuse tell me the same thing. They’re confused, scared to speak, unsure what the rules are.

Often for the first time in their lives.

It’s not “just you.” And it is not “just me.”