Mr. Slocum's Pronunciation Finishing School

class is in session

While placing my morning alum and lemon juice in my mouth, I decided to give a mini lesson in proper pronunciation.

Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, especially those of you under 40: you are saying everything wrong all the time. I call it the Great Millennial Slop: a drift toward pronouncing words in the way that is either flatly wrong, or by mimicking street (black) accents. The result has been an entire generation of people, black and white, who now talk in public and in professional situations using a dialect that reads: “low class, uneducated, from the wrong side of town.”

Fortunately I am here to Correct (TM) you and make everything better.

A brief guide to not sounding like cockney bellend who landed in Philadelphia and asked directions to Urban Outfitters.

Pronunciation Mistakes

Ask-As it is spelled. Not “Aks.”

Espresso—Ess-presso. Not “X-presso.”

Especially-Ess-pecially. Not “X-pecially.”

Escape-Ess-cape. Not “X-cape.”

Important-Import’nt. Not “Impor-DENT.” Not “Im por (glottal stop)-ENT.”

Biden-Bid’n. Not “Bye-DENN.”

Glottal stops: Stop using them, Americans. You are not cockney English. You also do not have to sound like thug rappers with their mush-mouth.

Button-Butt’n. Not “Buh-INN”

Student-Stud’nt. Not “Stew-DENT.”

Orthographic Errors

Should Of-Pick yourself up from that desk, take yourself down into the cellar, and put yourself in the trash incinerator. “Should have” and “should’ve.” Come back to my office for your completed death certificate.

Could Of-See above. Oh, wait, you can’t because you’re dead.

To be continued. . . .