Manderley, again

‘Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again,’ says the second Mrs. DeWinter in the first line of Rebecca.

I’ve been going to Manderley often these past weeks. When I lie down at night I listen to a chapter of Rebecca. When I nap I do the same. When I need to disconnect and zone out, I think of Manderley while I wash the dishes. It’s an automatic task; your mind can be somewhere different from your hands.

Manderley haunts the second Mrs. DeWinter. So does the first Mrs. DeWinter. So does the narrator haunt herself. She’s pulled back in her mind by what was-or was it? What could have been. Who she might have been, who she is.

Places and times and people that are both beautiful and terrible seduce. Some of us want to be seduced by them, even when we pull back just a little. But those people, people like me, never really resist.

It’s very quiet in my house today. I’m very tired. I’m going to Manderley again.