Lovin' from the oven-beep beep!

ode to commercial jingles

Come wallow in nostalgia with me? Be sure to read all the way to the end—I’ve got a commercial you’re going to remember and choke to death laughing about. I’m lucky I’m here writing to you because I was gasping for breath last night watching it and thinking I should leave a message with the undertaker’s answering service for a deathness check this morning.

Don't you miss real commercials, old people? I do. You know how it used to be. Products would have commercials that ran in the same general style for years. A bit of freshening here, a bit there, but the same ad copy and campaign ran for years at a time.

They did a great job of imbuing products with the illusion of an identity.

Also, they used jingles. I so miss jingles. Nowadays you get the same five-second synth loop of an insipid melody and stupid "drums" used by five different advertisers on YouTube videos.

It's foolish not to use jingles. Melody is known by neuroscience to be tightly connected to recall of facts. It's sticky. Dementia patients who haven't spoken in years can sometimes still sing hymns from their youth. A catchy musical phrase will burn something into your memory forever.

Gen X and older understands. Between the ad copy and the jingles, I remember commercials from 45 years ago.

That's what we've lost-common culture. We all knew these. It was part of being an American in the 20th century. No, it's not high culture. It's common culture. And we're suffering its loss.

-Calgon, take me away

-Before you dress, Caress

-Lovin' from the oven, beep beep!

-The touch, the feel, of cotton-the fabric of our lives

-Hamburger Helper helps your hamburger help her make a great meal (or "meal-O" for the lasagna one)

-Price Chopper. . sharing more than a store!

-Cascade with sheeting action leaves dishes virtually spotless

-Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat (ding ding)!

-We secretly replaced their regular coffee with new Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they notice.

-And I hay-alped!

-McDonalds, Ronald and you!

And you had old friends you could depend on.

-Mrs. Butterworth

-Madge for Palmolive

-Marla Gibbs for Accent

Observations and ephemera

-Mrs. Butterworth used to talk to the little boy putting her on his pancakes. She had this jarring affect like an old prostitute trying to sound like an alluring grandma.

"I'm so thick and rich," she would say.

-My best friend Tom and I adopted Pillsbury commercial jingles for our sessions playing Crematory and Witch Burning. There was this old Pillsbury ad that had a musical phrase that went, “Somethin’s burnin’ “. I haven’t been able to find it.

Anyway Tom had a hand-built stone kiln in the back yard where he’d fire clay sarcophaguses for the dead birds we mummified, so this is where we played mortuary games. Our theme songs were:

-”Someone’s burnin’ “
-”Lovin’ from the coven-beep beep!”

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Pièce de Ré·sis·tance

This commercial is sublime. Someone posted it last night and I don’t think I’ve thought of it since about 1987. But didn’t I IMMEDIATELY start singing the song correctly all the way through from muscle memory.

What is it about an ad featuring a faggot reject from Duran Duran tryouts and a ginger tart in a swing in front of the Alps?

The best part is when the vocalist (he’s really quite good) gets to the part ♫Dreamy white. . creamy white♫. . . and some black woman backup singer starts screaming in the background.

N-E-S-T-L-E-S.