This cannot be helped or changed, and I'm only complaining. But.
The more I contemplate homosexuality and its relationship to the childhood environment, neurosis, and its correlation with high levels of mental illness and mood/personality dysfunction, the more I feel. . . there isn't one word for it.
-Intellectually lonely
-A bit weary; as in "Sigh. Another example of how things are more complex, and have more negative implications, than I hoped."
-Morally lonely. Knowing that these kinds of contemplations put me in the psychological category for many of "morally questionable/contaminated/unsafe"
No, I'm not going to stop contemplating this. Avoiding the issue isn't a good permanent solution. This is the road I'm on right now and I'm staying on it and seeing where it takes me.
There's so much I want to talk about (it feels like a need, not a want). Much of it I want to talk about with other gay men. In real, honest ways with no defensive postures getting in our ways. But that's a hard one to ask.
Disaffected?
The how and why of homosexuality is a question long studied, and while both nature and nurture have been considered the origins, the definitive answer has yet to be found. Likely, it doesn't have an either/or answer. Contemporary culture, i.e., the aughts forward have both blighted and muddied the question. Confused, mis-directed and educationally indoctrinated people have usurped homosexuality as part of their twisted game of culture destruction. I really feel for people like you, who seek a genuine desire to know yourself, but are not differentiated from the crowd of play-acting pretenders. Today homosexual, tomorrow a furry...you know the type all too well, I am sure.
Don't give up. You provide a valuable service to all of us, no matter our sexual orientation.