On this weekend’s show, I’m going to talk about forgiveness. What follows are first-draft thoughts. I don’t claim to have figured this all out, and I don’t promise that I’ll remain consistent. I might change my mind.
“Forgiveness discourse” is what I call the popular societal push to perform that you have forgiven someone who has wronged you. Yes, I am saying that many people, including good, well-meaning people, are pushing others to perform a Christian(TM) virtue. Even though they think they’re doing right, and being caring. They mean to be. But they’re not doing right, and they’re not caring.
They have entirely neglected justice. In their haste to push the victim to forgive, nearly 100 percent of such people never even acknowledge the hurt done to the victim. It literally does not occur to them to even glance at it, or say anything about it.
Nope. They immediately move to “you need to forgive.” Some of you reading this may have done this. You’ve certainly seen other people-yes, including your fellow Christians, oh my, yes—do this.
You should know that people like me notice it. We ask ourselves, “Why does this come first? Why doesn’t it occur to others to at least first acknowledge that a grave wrong was done to this man or woman, before they put the victim in the position of being a perpetrator-of-not-forgiving?
I notice it when I see a stadium full of people crying and cheering as Erika Kirk says that she has forgiven her husband’s murderer. Now, please stop, wait, and take the following in:
I’m critiquing, but I am not criticizing Erika Kirk as a person. I place no blame on her. I cannot imagine how overwhelming her emotional and spiritual life is at the moment.
But no, I don’t “believe her” that she has released all negative emotion toward the man who killed her huband. Not because I think Erika Kirk is a liar. She is not. But because she is a human woman. Humans cannot release all negative emotion toward the murderer of their spouse in three days. That’s not real and you reading this know that it’s not real. I’m not crazy for saying this, and you know it, even if you’re mad and want to spit back at me for noting it. That’s why comments are off. You may not do so today.
I notice how the cries to “forgive” and the quasi-beatification of those who perform forgiveness come first, foremost, and and at the expense of the administration of justice. At the expense of acknowledging the victims depth of wound.
It is a cruel emotional assault on a victim of violence, abuse, someone who’s had their family member murdered, to urge forgiveness on them. It’s an extraordinary trespass. And it’s cruel. Even if you don’t mean to be cruel, you are being cruel. Not loving. Cruel through your own blindness, not malice.
There are people, and Christians, out there who don’t do cheap “forgiveness discourse.” You may be one of those people. If you are, then rest assured you are not the subject of this article.
I am talking about less reflective people; they are the majority.
I think people in the West are demoralized (rightfully, correctly) by seeing that justice is almost never done anymore. Murderers go free. Rapists are sympathized with. Women can be assaulted by troons and then the women are called “evil harm-doers.”
The government rapes us and takes away our rights and nothing happens.
This is America.
People are demoralized. I am demoralized.
I think that’s where a lot of the disproportionate attention to “forgiveness” comes from.
It’s a trauma response. It’s “fawning,” to be technical. It’s doing the only thing they can think of to make the day more bearable. To feel any solace or control in a world that won’t give them even basic justice.
If you think what I’m saying is “forgiveness is bullshit and should never be done,” you could not be further from the truth.
If you think my problems with “forgiveness discourse” are because I’m a “bitter” “mean” man who has never given anyone grace, you are wrong.
I would genuinely try to forgive my mother if she genuinely apologized. Yes. Really. I don’t know if I could, but I would try.
But that isn’t going to happen; it’s a moot point. My mother has never, not once in her life, ever apologized to me. For anything. Not for a mistake, not for a slight, not for a beating. Nothing. She is not a tiger who will change her stripes.
I have forgiven many things done to me, and I’ve asked forgiveness from others I’ve wronged. I’m actually a human who isn’t a psychopath.
But today’s “forgiveness discourse” is largely driven by people who perceive correctly that they’re powerless. They know that no one is going to bring the sword of justice.